Madi was still looking at me. I saw tears glittering in her eyes. As fast as I could I looked away. I’d break down under her look. I never wanted to make her cry. I never wanted her to be sad. But I made her sad and now she was close to tears. If only I knew how to change things. If only I knew how to fix things. If only I knew a way out.
“Could you please say something?” I heard the pain in her voice. Maybe if I had looked up I would’ve seen a tear running down her face. But I was still staring into the nothing next to her.
I wanted to open my mouth and answer her. But what should I say? My head felt like exploding because of all the things on my mind. But not a single thought was reachable. Not a single thought could be put into words. I opened my mouth so the words could maybe just fall out of it. But the connection between my head and my mouth must have been broken. Nothing happened. I remained silent. Unable to speak. Why can’t I just say something? Or at least say that I can’t talk? Or that I don’t know what to say? It’s not that hard. I’ve done this thousands and millions of times before. I’ve always been good at talking. When did I lose this ability?
“Please, say something. Just anything!” I still couldn’t look at her. The time passed as I stared into the nothing and tried to convince myself of speaking. Madi seemed far, far away. As far as my thoughts seemed. Maybe I just couldn’t say anything, because I knew it would hurt her. It would definitely hurt her to hear what was on my mind. She loved me. She wouldn’t be able to deal with that. But she was also hurt because of the silence. It was a lose-lose-situation.
“I just wanna help you. But you need to tell me what’s wrong.” What’s wrong? I didn’t know what’s wrong. Anything and nothing. I was broken and I didn’t know why. I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be happy. But I didn’t know how. Just like I didn’t know how to say what was on my mind.
I knew speaking was easy, but to me it seemed like the toughest challenge of my life. I knew I was hurting anybody around me and I wanted to change so bad, but had no clue how to. And why couldn’t they understand? Why couldn’t they just understand that I wasn’t me? Why couldn’t they understand they I wasn’t like this because I wanted to? I never choose to be like this. If only I could choose. Nobody needed to be hurt, because of me. My choice was worth nothing. If I could choose, I’d let Madi know. Maybe she could actually help me. Maybe she could bring me back to light. Maybe she knew the way out of the cold. But then again it was unrealistic to think that she could help me. What did she even know? Nothing! Madi’s world was good. Madi’s world was safe and bright. She’d drown in the darkness of my thoughts. She shouldn’t come too close. I needed to hide her from the truth. I had tried before. I’d been acting for so long. But I couldn’t act any longer. My energy was gone. The masquerade exhausted me. It took my last energy and all there was left was the darkness within me. The beast within me won and there was nowhere I could hide.
“Lilly, please look at me.” Madi said pleadingly. I tried. I really tried. But I had as much control over my moves as I had over my mouth. How hard could it be to just turn your head around? Why couldn’t I just give her that little something? Why couldn’t I just give her at least one thing she asked for? A simple gesture to show her that I cared. That I heard her. And that I wanted to. Maybe she would be less hurt. Maybe then she wouldn’t think that I didn’t trust her enough or that she didn’t mean enough to me to talk to her. She was my sister. She meant the world to me. She had always been the person I trusted the most. If I could, if I just could, than I would talk to her. I would change for her, so she had no reason to be sad. But I had no control. I couldn’t turn my head. I couldn’t remove my look from the nothing. I couldn’t put my thoughts into words.
Somewhere far away, but right next to me, Madi was moving. I realized her coming closer. Very fast. She grabbed my shoulders and started shaking me. “Lilly! Please, you gotta talk to me. Say something! Lilly! Say something! Do something! Lilly!” Madi was right in front of me. She was crying. She was sobbing. She must have seen the demons within my eyes. That was where they were hiding.
I saw her right in front of me. I felt her shaking me. But I was still staring into the nothing. Silent. Unable to speak. Unable to move. Unable to fight the darkness. That was my kingdom come.