Like Rock and Roll and Radio
I sat on the ground and watched the show. The show – that’s what it was. All just a play. I remembered a different time. We had been happy. They had been happy. It wasn’t like that anymore. It felt different and it was. I didn’t know what it was, but I knew there was something.
Once again I had the chance to compare them to others. I had done that before, just to end up with the same result over and over again. They were missing something the others had. Of course they couldn’t be exactly like every other couple in the world. No person was like any other person. Comparing persons to each other is just pure dumbness. There can never be a satisfying result. Every person has got something special. And they were special. Of course they were. Like anybody else on this planet was special to someone. But they also used to have something special.
Every couple I had watched during that time seemed to have something special. Something between them, that somehow connected them even if they weren’t touching. I felt something around them. Something I still got no words for. And I was sure I haven’t felt that around my parents for a really long time. Actually I couldn’t remember how long. It must have been a while.
My mum used to glow. Of course not literally, but I could always sense the energy around her. Her strength, her energy, her contentedness. Where did that go? She was smiling, but was she really? I felt like the answer was no. I remembered a different smile. An honest one.
And my dad? His eyes. His eyes changed. As if he was constantly asking for something. His loving eyes were merely questioning. I don’t know what that question was, but the expression became stronger when he looked at her.
I have never seen them fighting. People fight when they have problems with each other, don’t they? They tell each other what’s wrong. They tell each other what makes them mad. They tell each other what needs to be changed. They fight and they make up again. Don’t they? They fight, because they care. They fight for a change. They fight, so things can become better again.
I think they forgot to fight. I didn’t knew it back then, but I do now.
The weird questions I was asked a couple of times before popped to my mind. Others must feel it too. There was something wrong. But I didn’t understand. They hadn’t been fighting. They never had any problem. We had been perfect. We had been perfect together. We, our family, we loved each other. What had happened to them? What was happing right now? We were meant to be together. Our family was perfect. There was no fighting. There was love. Well there used to be.
All was different. I knew it was. Even though they didn’t say anything at all. Even though they were putting on a show. When I watched them I saw two people that knew each other for years already, but they seemed like strangers. They had shared a love, they had shared a life, but still they seemed like strangers. There was no connection between them. There was nothing special anymore. No mysterious power. They were just strangers.
My mother looked up and smiled at me. A more honest one than I usually got to see on her.
“Don’t you wanna play with the other kids, Lilly?”