Ich will nur
I’m sitting here, staring on my phone. I’m not sure what to do. Or better said I’m not sure if I really want to do what I have in mind. Should I, or shouldn’t I? And what am I expecting? What if I’ll get no reaction? Do I even want one? Yes, I do. What if I get one? And what if I don’t like the reaction I get? Too many ifs. But the question that tortures me most is: What if we were meant to be?
I had a long talk with two of my friends and as often before we ended up talking about men. And then we were talking about him and they asked all the questions that I had no answers on. I had no clue what went wrong. But the result of that talk is that I can’t get him off my mind again.
The screen of my phone goes all black and with a swipe of my finger it lightens up again. I’m staring at his last message. A simple good night. I remember the first time we have ever talked. He was charming and funny. It was so easy to talk with him. I never felt like I could say something wrong. I never really had to think about what to answer. I could simply enjoy the talk. John always made me feel good. And not just because he knew how to make compliments. He simply made me smile, even in moments I wasn’t feeling like I could.
Have you ever been so in love that you are already smiling when you see the name on the screen and you haven’t even read the message? Have you ever talked a whole night through and still felt like it wasn’t enough? Have you ever just listened to his or her breathing and it was pure entertainment? Have you ever loved somebody so much that you forgot time, room and everything else around you? And have you valued that love enough?
I think I didn’t. And I think he also didn’t. At some point I thought he changed. Looking back I know that I changed too and I had made it hard for him to love me. I was so focused on not being someone he could love that I might have become someone he couldn’t love. I was a challenge even though I didn’t want to be one. In fact I had always thought I was easy to get along with for boys. Well in terms of friendship that was true.
I never really knew how to deal with his love. I never thought I was worth it. John … he was funny, charming and clever. And so caring. All I ever asked for. And I? I was just me!
When I finally accepted that that was enough, it was probably too late already. Step by step he was leaving me. Step by step I lost him.
The great little things that I had loved so much became less. He was with me, but still not. He always seemed miles away. I started missing him and more and more often I felt hurt and ignored. The good times became less, but when it was good it was great.
In a way it stopped all of a sudden, but on the other hand it was a result of me not being able to take it any longer. The new John wasn’t the one I wanted to be with.
Silence. Sadness. Ignorance. And now it’s all coming back. I’m missing him with all my heart. I never got over him. Deep down inside I was still waiting for him. I was hoping for him to miss me. I was hoping for him to fight for me. I was hoping on getting John back. The good John. The John I fell in love with. And I’m still hoping for all that.
I tried to show him that I don’t need him. That I could leave whenever I want. But I need him and couldn’t just leave. It was too damn hard. I was hiding so he could miss me and ended up constantly asking myself where he was. Even when I tried to trick myself by thinking I wouldn’t care.
I just want him to know that I still love him. That there is no other one who completes and touches me the way he does. He needs to know. And I need to know. Otherwise I’ll forever ask myself: “What if?”