Landslide

She wiped away the tears in her eyes and let the wind dry her cheeks. Why was she even crying? She couldn’t tell. It was the winds fault she told herself and laughed about her denial. Lying to yourself is not that easy after all.
She kept moving. The wind had turned and pushed her forward now. It blew her away. Away and away. Where to? That was another thing she couldn’t tell. She knew where she was coming from and she had an idea of why she didn’t want to be there anymore. An idea what kept her moving.
She was moving for hours already. Her feet had grown tired a while ago, but she hadn’t stopped once. She didn’t exactly know where she was, but she couldn’t care less. If she wanted to she would find the way back home. Home… The word seemed queer. Even in her thoughts. Things had changed. She had changed. And the place she once had thought she’d always call her home had turned into a place she felt strange to be in. She was welcome there. She always would be. But she didn’t belong there. She no longer belonged there. Could the others feel it to? It seemed so evident. Sometimes she thought she never truly belonged there. That she never truly was a part of them. Then she had to remind herself that this was nonsense. She was a part of them. The weird part, but a part. And if she didn’t belong with them who did she belong to? I will never find out if I don’t go she told herself.
So well protected she had been. But nobody could protect her from this. These feelings. Things change. And everybody changes. They should know.
Sometimes she thought they didn’t know. They never knew she changed. Or they just ignored it. They couldn’t accept. Stubbornly they pretended she was the same. But she wasn’t and they were just shutting their eyes. It was dragging her down. It made her sad. Why couldn’t they just accept? Accept and support? She could be a better her, if they weren’t holding her back. She knew she could. Nothing was more clear to her. But she seemed to be the only one. That should be enough though. But she wanted them to believe too. She knew that they had always had big hopes in her. They had plans. But she had shattered them and now they didn’t know what to do with her. Have new hopes? Give up? It felt like they wanted to believe, but couldn’t. Supportive, but not supportive at the same time. She was going mad about it. She never know what to feel around them. And too often it became shame and guilt. And the worst of all was that she knew there was no reason to.
She had changed, but the life around her hadn’t. It wasn’t just them holding her back, it was the place. So she kept walking. Walking without knowing where to. But it felt better to keep moving.
She reached the end of a path. There was nowhere to go. A field stretched out in front of her. No ways to her right, or left. Was that a sign? Should she follow the path back?
The wind kept pushing her forward. She closed her eyes. If she had wings she’d just fly away. Away and away. Wherever the wind blows. But never back.
She opened her eyes again and gave in to the wind. How hard this may be, she’d make her own way. She’d not hold herself back any longer.

Advertisements

Posted on March 28, 2015, in The story behind and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: