Category Archives: The story behind

Hold back the river

George was sad to see her like this. He had never liked to see her cry. It hurt him. She wasn’t sobbing. Silent tears fell from her eyes. Beautiful and sad at the same time. But she had always been beautiful. No matter what. “My beautiful June, please don’t cry.” he thought. But there was nothing he could do. She was crying and it was his fault. He never meant to, but in the end she was crying all the same. When he had first met her he had sworn to himself to never make her cry. But how could he have kept her from crying in the end? He had no control over this. If it was in his hand there would be no need for her to cry. I would change places with her to keep her from her broken heart. But would that change anything at all? They’d still be separated. And his heart was just as broken.
If only he could tell her. She’d feel better. She’d know. And knowing was better than this. “Don’t cry little June. There is no need to.” he thought. “Just remember the good times.”
And good times they’ve had. Days with laughter and happiness. And most of all love. He had never felt as loved as with June. She was a part of him. The most beautiful part of him. Now that he was without her he felt incomplete. George wondered whether she felt the same. If this was the reason she was crying. It must have been.
He could no longer watch her crying. It was too much. It was too hard. He should be comforting her. He should hold her in his arms. But he couldn’t. He tried to picture her smiling. It was hard, but not impossible. Her smile had cheered him all his life. A wonderful smile. So full of life and light. It had been her smile he had first fallen in love with. She had only been nineteen. He had been twenty-one. She had worked in her father’s shop. And after he had first been there he had used every excuse for a visit. She had welcomed him with this beautiful smile every time he entered the shop. But it took him a long time to become brave enough to ask her out. “We would’ve had more time, if I was braver.” George thought sadly. It was ridiculous. He knew that. But more time was more time, no matter how less it seemed compared to the time they’ve had.
June was still crying her silent tears. “I’m here beloved June. I’m with you.” George said aloud. June looked up. Did she hear him? George was surprised. He didn’t think that was possible. How could she hear him? “George?” she asked. “Yes June, it’s me.” he said. He was nearly screaming. He started laughing excitedly. Sunlight fell on June’s face. She closed her eyes. “Now smile, June. Give me your most beautiful smile.” he said. And as she opened her eyes she did as he bid.
He stretched out his hand to reach her. The wind stroked her once auburn hair the way he had used to. “I’m waiting for you my beautiful June. Till then live.” he said.



She wiped away the tears in her eyes and let the wind dry her cheeks. Why was she even crying? She couldn’t tell. It was the winds fault she told herself and laughed about her denial. Lying to yourself is not that easy after all.
She kept moving. The wind had turned and pushed her forward now. It blew her away. Away and away. Where to? That was another thing she couldn’t tell. She knew where she was coming from and she had an idea of why she didn’t want to be there anymore. An idea what kept her moving.
She was moving for hours already. Her feet had grown tired a while ago, but she hadn’t stopped once. She didn’t exactly know where she was, but she couldn’t care less. If she wanted to she would find the way back home. Home… The word seemed queer. Even in her thoughts. Things had changed. She had changed. And the place she once had thought she’d always call her home had turned into a place she felt strange to be in. She was welcome there. She always would be. But she didn’t belong there. She no longer belonged there. Could the others feel it to? It seemed so evident. Sometimes she thought she never truly belonged there. That she never truly was a part of them. Then she had to remind herself that this was nonsense. She was a part of them. The weird part, but a part. And if she didn’t belong with them who did she belong to? I will never find out if I don’t go she told herself.
So well protected she had been. But nobody could protect her from this. These feelings. Things change. And everybody changes. They should know.
Sometimes she thought they didn’t know. They never knew she changed. Or they just ignored it. They couldn’t accept. Stubbornly they pretended she was the same. But she wasn’t and they were just shutting their eyes. It was dragging her down. It made her sad. Why couldn’t they just accept? Accept and support? She could be a better her, if they weren’t holding her back. She knew she could. Nothing was more clear to her. But she seemed to be the only one. That should be enough though. But she wanted them to believe too. She knew that they had always had big hopes in her. They had plans. But she had shattered them and now they didn’t know what to do with her. Have new hopes? Give up? It felt like they wanted to believe, but couldn’t. Supportive, but not supportive at the same time. She was going mad about it. She never know what to feel around them. And too often it became shame and guilt. And the worst of all was that she knew there was no reason to.
She had changed, but the life around her hadn’t. It wasn’t just them holding her back, it was the place. So she kept walking. Walking without knowing where to. But it felt better to keep moving.
She reached the end of a path. There was nowhere to go. A field stretched out in front of her. No ways to her right, or left. Was that a sign? Should she follow the path back?
The wind kept pushing her forward. She closed her eyes. If she had wings she’d just fly away. Away and away. Wherever the wind blows. But never back.
She opened her eyes again and gave in to the wind. How hard this may be, she’d make her own way. She’d not hold herself back any longer.

Someone new

She sat on the edge of her bed. A glimpse behind her told her that he was deep asleep. She’d rather see him leave. She should’ve told him. He should’ve known. But he was still here anyway. Amelia thought about waking him up. Instead she got up, grabbed some clothes that were laying on the floor and left the room. She entered the bathroom and locked the door behind her. She didn’t want him to come in, in case he woke up. She stepped into the shower cabin and turned the water on. It made her shiver at first, but from the look on her face it could’ve been just perfect. The water turned warmer and warmer till it nearly burned her skin. Amelia stood there, motionless, hugging herself. She wanted to wash herself. Feel clean again. But now she couldn’t make her body work. Amelia closed her eyes and let the water fall down on her face. She counted to twenty, then she started to wash herself. She scrubbed herself excessively until the water turned cold again. Wrapped up in a towel she sat on the bathroom floor, leaning against the door. Her wet hair was dripping. Some of the drops ran down her neck. She concentrated on the feeling of it. That was easier. Easier than to think about other things. One drop. Then another. They tickled her. But she liked that. A soft and gentle touch.
He hadn’t touched her that gentle. But she had liked it anyway. She had enjoyed being with him. It felt good. He felt good. Now it was gone. The magic of his warm eyes was gone. Maybe it would come back when he woke up and opened them, but she didn’t really think so. The magic never came back.
She wanted him to leave. She never wanted to look into those eyes again. Eyes so much softer than the rest of him. A look so gentle a touch could never be compared to. Amelia had gone lost in them the first time she laid eyes on him. And then she got lost in the feeling. First his eyes, than the feeling and now – emptiness.
She was alone, even with him still laying in her bed. It made it worse. He had to leave. Or she’d leave until he finally did. Maybe she could find other warm eyes. Or a warm touch. Get the feeling back. And forget, even if it was just for a moment. She felt like a junkie. Always looking for the next high. Always on the hunt. And she was damn good at hunting.
She heard the front door being shut. So he was gone. Finally.
Tears kept crawling down her face. Amelia couldn’t stop them. They burned her skin. She whipped them away , full of anger. Why was she crying? “Stupid girl. He means nothing to you. And you mean nothing to him. You wanted him to leave.” But the tears kept falling. Would they ever stop?
She got up and got dressed. The distraction helped. The tears got less. She left the bathroom and headed towards her bedroom when she heard a sound. She held on for a moment and listened, then she went into the living room instead.
“I thought you left. I heard the front door.” she said. He sat on the sofa and looked up when she spoke. He scratched his head. “Hm yeah … I meant to leave, but then I thought I should check if you’re okay. Are you?” “Yes, yes I am.” “You don’t look like you are. Did you cry Amelia?” he asked her. There was probably no way she could deny it. She sat on the sofa beside him and hugged her knees. After a while she looked at him. Not sure whether to say something or not. His eyes met hers. Warm eyes.
Now she felt ashamed for not knowing his name.

Creatures of the night

Leon spotted Vivian in the darkness ahead of him. She was easier to hear than to see. Viv wasn’t known for being very quiet. She wasn’t alone. As always. He was used to that. But today Leon had expected something else. “Leon!” she shouted and raised the bottle in her hand. She stood on top of a little wall. Her high-heels careless in the grass, her feet naked and frozen red. Her dress was way too short for such a chilly night and she also didn’t bring a jacket. The only thing keeping her warm was the alcohol. Leon had no illusions, she must have had plenty already. And the others seemed to do their best to keep up with her. He knew Lisa and Christy by sight. He had never seen the other girl sitting on the wall with them. Leon nodded in their direction. The strange girl didn’t so much as look at him. Among the boys he couldn’t find any familiar faces. And they didn’t look like the kind of people he actually wanted to know.
“Come here Leon.” Vivian shouted and waved him closer. She jumped right into his arms, laughing. “This, guys, is my best friend in the whole wide world. I swear, he’s the best!” she said. The others ignored her words and kept on talking to each other in low voices. “Here, have a drink.” Vivian offered him the bottle. Leon shook his head. He had a feeling it was better to stay sober.
“Can we go now?” one of the guys asked annoyed. “Of course! Let’s go!” Viv said overexcited. She led the group on, dragging Leon behind her. “Where are we going?” he asked, wondering whether she would take his jacket if he offered it. He figured out that it wasn’t very likely. She never did. “I haven’t got a clue. Does it matter?” “That you haven’t got a clue?” “No stupid, where we are going.” “Well I thought you knew, cause you’re in front of everybody.” “We just keep going till we find a good place to party. That’s all I know.” Leon didn’t know how to answer on that. The party usually was where Viv was, so there wasn’t really need to search for one. And the way the other guys looked they were more likely up to crash a party.
They kept on walking and drinking. At some places they stopped and stayed for a little while. But they all seemed to get bored of the places as fast as they got bored of the people there. Leon met a lot of his and Vivs friends and would’ve loved to stay with them, but Viv wanted to leave and so he went with her. He would never leave her alone with those people. The more time he spent with them the less he liked them. And the less he understood why Viv wanted to be with them.
Leon was sure that they were just getting ready to start a fight. He wasn’t afraid of them. They might be massive guys, but he wasn’t small either and he had the big advantage to be sober. The only thing that worried him was that Vivian might get hurt. It was better to leave them as soon as possible.
He fought his way through a crowd of strangers, but when he was only a few steps away from her he stopped. She was standing there with the one guy he disliked the most. He watched them with disbelieve. Did he really just see this? He ran over to them and pushed the guy away from her. “Hey man, what’s wrong with you?” he complained. “What did you put in her drink?” “What are you talking about man? I didn’t put anything in her drink.” “What did you put in her drink?” Leon shouted at him. “Nothing!” “Leon?” asked Vivian uncertain. “Don’t drink that, Viv.” She looked wasted. He turned back at the huge guy in front of him and pointed his finger at him. “Stay away from her!” He told him. “Or what?” The other one grinned. “Don’t try me.” Leon stared at him, waiting for a reaction. Then he took Vivian’s hand. “Let’s go Viv.” But as he headed towards the door he saw the guy moving from the corner of his eye. He evaded the punch and pushed Vivian aside. He heard her scream, but couldn’t take care of her. He grabbed the guy by his shirt and hit him hard in the face. He let go of him and looked at what he had done. Blood was shooting out of his nose. Leon guessed that he broke his nose. That should keep him busy for the moment.
He turned around, searching for Vivian. Many people were looking at him, but nobody said a word. He found her on the floor. Some girls kneeling next to her. “Are you ok?” Leon asked her. She nodded. He looked at her for some time, uncertain what to do. Then he picked her up and carried her outside. It was time for her to go home.
He walked and walked until he found himself in front of her house. He hadn’t even realized how heavy she was until then, because his thoughts had been running. He put her down and got the front door key out of its hiding place. He opened the door for her and lead her inside.
Leon stood in the door and tried to find the right words to break the silence. Then he said the only thing he could think of. “Why?” he asked her.
She gave him a sad look. “What else is there left?”



Isabella was laying on her bed. Staring at the ceiling. Motionless. She didn’t feel like getting up. But also not like sleeping. What would the sleep bring her anyway? Actually she didn’t feel like doing anything at all. She should get up and do something. Just anything. But then again no. First of all she didn’t know what to do and second even if she wanted to get up she didn’t feel like she could go anywhere. She thought about raising her arm just to check if she still had control over her body. Nothing happened. Isabella laughed a silent and ironical laughter. “I can’t even control my body. How am I supposed to control my life?” It fitted too well. “But if I only really tried …. I could do it.” That thought made it only worse. She knew that if she only tried she could do anything she wanted. Isabella had always known that. So why didn’t she try? Why did she already fail at the attempt to try? Isabella could simply not understand herself.
She listened to the sounds in the house. So distant and so close at the same time. Life just inches away from her. She heard her mother calling for dinner. But from the sound of it the biggest part of the family was already surrounded. In a moment somebody would come and check on her. Ask her to come for dinner. As always she didn’t feel hungry at all. But she could at least sit at the table with her family. Or not. They would probably just stare at her. Or worse ask her questions. The questions she got no answers for. She would only end up ruining their good moods and making them worry. Right now she was just no good company. She was a burden.
Isabella closed her eyes when she heard steps coming closer. The door opened and she heard her mother whispering her name. She didn’t answer and concentrated on breathing regularly. Her mother touched her at her shoulder and whispered her name again. Then she sighed and left the room. Isabella fought tears. And lost the battle. Again she didn’t know why.
The sounds from the dinner table seemed even farer away than any sound before. There was her world and their world and she was losing contact.
Everything used to be so easy, so clear. She had always known what she wanted. She had always had a plan. But her plan failed her and she got lost in her own world.
How did she go from a little girl, planning to take over the world, to this? How could she go back to her own self? Could she even go back?
And then again did she still want to be that person? Maybe not.
She closed her eyes once more and tried to think of something else. Isabella needed a beautiful thought. A dream she had always dreamed. How wonderful life would be when all her wishes finally came true. No more stormy skies for her. Her personal paradise.

Every breath you take

In the shadow of the tree there was a dark figure. Constantly looking at the house. Its light reflected in Charlie’s eyes. He was standing there nearly motionless, blended into the scenery. Nobody could’ve seen him there, if they didn’t know where to look at. Hours passed without anything special happening. The only thing noticeable and somehow impressing was that Charlie didn’t move an inch. His eyes were fixed on the big window. Caught by the light like a fly. Pushed by his desire not to miss anything happening inside.
Then something happened and Charlie became electrified. The excitement finally made him move. Nearly impossible to see, but still a move. He would not miss what Karen did next. What was she doing now? Usually she was going to bed around this time and Charlie guessed that she’d go upstairs to the bathroom now. He’d need to climb on the tree then to still see what she was doing. But that was no problem. He had done that often before and knew the easiest way up.
But before Karen reached the stairs she turned around and looked out of the window. She was looking right at him. Charlie wasn’t sure if she could see him, but she must have felt he was there. She must have felt his presence. Of course she did. They had a connection. They belonged together. She belonged to him. And now she looked at him. She wanted him to know that she knew he was there.
It was just a short look then she turned around and walked up the stairs. As fast as he could Charlie climbed up the tree. And before the bathroom light turned on he and the tree became one. Her daily routine began and he didn’t miss a single move. Before she left the room she looked over her shoulder. That look was meant for him. She knew he was there.
Karen also turned on the light in the bedroom. She wanted him to see her. She knew he was there and she wanted him to see her. Why else would she turn on the light?
She undressed. Her clothes fell on the ground and her long, blonde hair softly stroked her back. Another look over the shoulder. Another look at him. Charlie remembered that she had done this quite often in the past. And she every time she had wanted him to follow her.
It was clear to him why she did that now. She wanted him to come. She wanted him to follow her up the stairs and into the bedroom. She knew he was there, she wanted to be seen and she wanted him to follow. She was playing a little game. The come and catch me game. Charlie never lost in any game.
The light turned off and Charlie jumped down the tree. He would follow her. He would do whatever she wanted. And she wanted him to join her in the bedroom.
He rushed around the house and searched for the keys. It didn’t take him long, cause he saw Karen hiding it. Silently he opened the door and entered the living room. Before he headed to the stairs he went to the couch. It was still a bit warm where Karen sat. She had eaten chocolate. Her favorite kind. He put a piece into his mouth and then went to the stairs.
He stood right in front of the bedroom. Just one more step and she would be able to see him. Charlie tried to imagine what he’d see next. She was waiting in her bed for him. He could hear her breathe. With one eye he looked through the door. There she was. On her bed. Waiting for him.
She was laying on her side, facing the opposite direction of where Charlie was standing. Another part of her game. She was pretending to sleep already. But she wasn’t. She was waiting for him to come.
He sneaked into the room. She had her eyes closed. All part of the game. She was awake.
He scanned every bit of her. Her slim body under the blanket. Her beautiful face. The soft golden hair. He wanted to touch it. He wanted to feel the softness. Just one time. Charlie stretched out his hand and ran with his fingers through her hair. She turned around and a loud scream broke the silence. What was she doing? Why was she screaming? She was supposed to be happy to see him. She needed to stop. She needed to be silent. Charlie needed to do something. And he did.



Liam looked at Jessica. She was laying next to him on her bed. The only light around was the flickering light of the TV. But it was enough to make him see her face. It seemed emotionless. Liam opened his mouth and closed it again right away. She must have realized, but there was not the slightest expression that showed it. She didn’t even look at him. Her eyes were fixed on the TV screen. Liam knew that she wasn’t even half as interested in the commercial as she pretended to be.
He opened his mouth again. And once again closed it without saying a word. He simply didn’t know what to say. There were things on his mind, but where should he start?
Jessica was still pretending not to realize. Pretending! She had become world class in pretending.
He thought about getting a bit closer. It was worth a try. He moved. And so did she.
In this moment the space between them was not only metaphorical. And it grew bigger and bigger. Unstoppable. Irrevocable.
“Jess?” “Hm?” She still didn’t look at him. He waited with the hope she would finally do. Nothing happened. “Jess?” he asked again. Same reply as before, but she didn’t move. “Jessica!” he said more intense. “What?” she asked and finally looked at him. And now that she did Liam didn’t know what to say. “What is it?” she asked annoyed. “What’s wrong with us?” “What do you mean? I’m pretty fine.” She definitely was annoyed. “No, I mean what is wrong with US? As a couple.” She gave him a weird look, but didn’t answer. As only he could see her face better, her eyes would show her what she was thinking.
“Listen, it’s not how it’s supposed to be like between us. It’s not what it was like before. We’re becoming more and more distant.” “Ahhhh come on…. You’re crazy.” “No, no I’m not. Or can you honestly tell me that everything between us is totally normal?” That short moment of silence was answer enough. “See, you can’t. But if we don’t do anything now, it will soon be too late.” She was looking at him. Emotionless. For a long time the sound of the TV was the only thing to hear. Maybe it was already too late. Something between them was broken and Liam felt as if she was running away from him. He felt lost in this relationship. Liam always thought that they belonged together. Their love has been like home – a safe place. Now he didn’t know where he belonged. Jessica seemed miles away and he didn’t know if they’d ever find back together. He didn’t know if they could find their way back home.
“Could you please say something?” Liam asked only to hear something else than his thoughts. She remained silent. “Jessica, please! Say something! Just anything!” “I don’t know what! What shall I say, Liam? I don’t know!”
“I think there’s no direction left for us to take.” Liam said silently. “So you think it’s over?” She almost sounded relieved. That was it. The sign. She wanted it to be over. There was no direction. They had walked a long way together. They had come far, but now they were standing in the dark. It was over and Liam knew it. He got up and nodded.
It was time to go.


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Ich will nur

I’m sitting here, staring on my phone. I’m not sure what to do. Or better said I’m not sure if I really want to do what I have in mind. Should I, or shouldn’t I? And what am I expecting? What if I’ll get no reaction? Do I even want one? Yes, I do. What if I get one? And what if I don’t like the reaction I get? Too many ifs. But the question that tortures me most is: What if we were meant to be?
I had a long talk with two of my friends and as often before we ended up talking about men. And then we were talking about him and they asked all the questions that I had no answers on. I had no clue what went wrong. But the result of that talk is that I can’t get him off my mind again.
The screen of my phone goes all black and with a swipe of my finger it lightens up again. I’m staring at his last message. A simple good night. I remember the first time we have ever talked. He was charming and funny. It was so easy to talk with him. I never felt like I could say something wrong. I never really had to think about what to answer. I could simply enjoy the talk. John always made me feel good. And not just because he knew how to make compliments. He simply made me smile, even in moments I wasn’t feeling like I could.
Have you ever been so in love that you are already smiling when you see the name on the screen and you haven’t even read the message? Have you ever talked a whole night through and still felt like it wasn’t enough? Have you ever just listened to his or her breathing and it was pure entertainment? Have you ever loved somebody so much that you forgot time, room and everything else around you? And have you valued that love enough?
I think I didn’t. And I think he also didn’t. At some point I thought he changed. Looking back I know that I changed too and I had made it hard for him to love me. I was so focused on not being someone he could love that I might have become someone he couldn’t love. I was a challenge even though I didn’t want to be one. In fact I had always thought I was easy to get along with for boys. Well in terms of friendship that was true.
I never really knew how to deal with his love. I never thought I was worth it. John … he was funny, charming and clever. And so caring. All I ever asked for. And I? I was just me!
When I finally accepted that that was enough, it was probably too late already. Step by step he was leaving me. Step by step I lost him.
The great little things that I had loved so much became less. He was with me, but still not. He always seemed miles away. I started missing him and more and more often I felt hurt and ignored. The good times became less, but when it was good it was great.
In a way it stopped all of a sudden, but on the other hand it was a result of me not being able to take it any longer. The new John wasn’t the one I wanted to be with.
Silence. Sadness. Ignorance. And now it’s all coming back. I’m missing him with all my heart. I never got over him. Deep down inside I was still waiting for him. I was hoping for him to miss me. I was hoping for him to fight for me. I was hoping on getting John back. The good John. The John I fell in love with. And I’m still hoping for all that.
I tried to show him that I don’t need him. That I could leave whenever I want. But I need him and couldn’t just leave. It was too damn hard. I was hiding so he could miss me and ended up constantly asking myself where he was. Even when I tried to trick myself by thinking I wouldn’t care.
I just want him to know that I still love him. That there is no other one who completes and touches me the way he does. He needs to know. And I need to know. Otherwise I’ll forever ask myself: “What if?”


I sat on the ground of the hall. Quiet, focusing on a point far away. Just like every morning. I seemed to watch the people passing, but I barley took notice. I had seen most of their faces many times before and I was sure they never noticed me at all. Though I was avoiding to look at my nearby classmates I couldn’t cut off their voices. They weren’t talking about anything important. They never did. Just the usual “Oh I’m so cool, cause I got wasted.” stuff. But it was better listening to their nonsense than them getting bored of themselves. As long as they were busy thinking they were cool they wouldn’t have to deal with the thought that they weren’t. Cause then they would search for someone to push down. Of course …. Pushing somebody down makes you so much cooler.
You think you can push somebody down and then think you are better than those you pushed down? I tell you something: You are not! The feeling of being better won’t last long. And those you pushed down will rise again and become stronger than you will ever imagine. You are digging your own grave. The pushed-down will become strong and you will still be miserable.
But back then, that morning at school, I tried to be invisible. Making no sound, no movement. Just keep low! As always. If I was lucky they didn’t take notice.
The hall filled more and more and it became harder to follow the conversations. I could only hope they were all in good moods.
Then they came and my stomach turned. I looked away quickly. “Please, don’t come closer.” I thought. No luck for me. The hall was already filled with pupils and through the others had been avoiding coming to close there was only some space left very close to me. Where on earth was Mrs Stiller? I was hoping she’d hurry to unlock the door and start class. Plus it was much safer to have a teacher around. They wouldn’t dare saying anything then.
Kristy and Chandra came closer. Chandra pretended I wasn’t there, while Kristy looked down at me as if I was dirt. Then they started talking. They didn’t lower their voices or anything, simply because they didn’t care if I heard or not. I was worth nothing to them. Not even worth having secrets from. Who should I have told them to? My friends? They didn’t think I would have any. Maybe I should’ve told them, that nobody cared about them and I had better things to do then talking about them in the precious time I didn’t have to see them. But I kept my head low and pretended not to be there.
“Did you do the homework?” Molly interrupted their talk. “We had homework?” Kristy asked. That was so typical. They never had homework. “Yes, I was looking for someone who actually did them.” Overall, I guessed that there was only a hand full of people in our class with done homework. Cause they were oh so busy living their super cool lives and getting wasted. I myself had the homework only because I did them on the bus. I couldn’t do them at home. I had the time, but when I thought of school I also had to think about them. I simply wanted some time for myself. Though it was hard to totally get them off my mind.
I looked a bit too long at them. “What are you looking at? I’m not gonna ask you for homework. You are way too stupid to get them done.” I snorted. As if I would’ve let them copy my homework. There was no way they could treat me like dirt and then expect to get anything from me. They wouldn’t even get my words. They would use anything I could say against me. Not that they’d have a chance in a discussion. But it would never end up as a fair battle. There were always at least three of them and they knew no boundaries.
“Oh, so you think you are smarter than me?” Kristy said. I didn’t think so, I knew it. There had been enough proofs. “If you were that smart, you knew that you should better hide in a closet. But I still see you here. Which kind of pisses me off. I hate seeing ugly things.” So we had reached that point again. I am ugly – How inventive. That wasn’t even worth a reply. Still it hurt. The ironic part was that she’d go on with calling me fat, to then start with the next topic: my hair.
Chandra stood right next to her, this time she was looking at me. But she didn’t say a word and seemed bored.
It had always been obvious what her true intention was. Calling somebody stupid, who is smarter than you? Calling somebody fat, who is thinner than you? Making fun of somebody’s hair while your own looks like greasy spaghetti? No need to be a psychologist to see what this is all about.
They had tortured me over and over again. I felt low. I felt alone. I never told anybody. My family must have realized that I had changed. I had been less bubbly and locked myself up more often. But I faked a smile and took care not to mention school at all. My best friend turned out to be the only one I gave a few hints. Too bad I never really told him the whole story. He could’ve protected me.
But I never wanted anybody to feel bad for me. I didn’t want them to think I was weak. And I didn’t want them to think I was a loser with no friends.
I refused to see myself as a victim. I never wanted that role. And I learned, I learned how to deal better with my bullies. They hated being ignored. They hated not seeing the pain in me. I had become really good at hiding it. But as hard as I tried not to let it upset me, it never really worked. For a time I forgot I smart. I forgot I wasn’t that bad looking at all. I forgot I wasn’t fat. And I forgot I had beautiful hair. And I also forgot that I wasn’t the one with the problems.
I looked into Chandra’s eyes. She looked away. She didn’t say anything. As usual. And that was probably the thing that hurt me the most. Looking at the person who once called herself my best friend and then turned against me. She stabbed my back. She made problems she had with me other people’s business. She told lies and brought them up against me. She played the victim to earn sympathies. And she was cruel enough to watch them all push me down. And that’s how less she must always have cared about me.
I will always remember what they did to me. I will always remember what they did to others. I will always remember the pain. Cause in the end it only shows that they couldn’t break me. It shows that I’m stronger. I’m a fighter!



Ask for help!

Like Rock and Roll and Radio

I sat on the ground and watched the show. The show – that’s what it was. All just a play. I remembered a different time. We had been happy. They had been happy. It wasn’t like that anymore. It felt different and it was. I didn’t know what it was, but I knew there was something.
Once again I had the chance to compare them to others. I had done that before, just to end up with the same result over and over again. They were missing something the others had. Of course they couldn’t be exactly like every other couple in the world. No person was like any other person. Comparing persons to each other is just pure dumbness. There can never be a satisfying result. Every person has got something special. And they were special. Of course they were. Like anybody else on this planet was special to someone. But they also used to have something special.
Every couple I had watched during that time seemed to have something special. Something between them, that somehow connected them even if they weren’t touching. I felt something around them. Something I still got no words for. And I was sure I haven’t felt that around my parents for a really long time. Actually I couldn’t remember how long. It must have been a while.
My mum used to glow. Of course not literally, but I could always sense the energy around her. Her strength, her energy, her contentedness. Where did that go? She was smiling, but was she really? I felt like the answer was no. I remembered a different smile. An honest one.
And my dad? His eyes. His eyes changed. As if he was constantly asking for something. His loving eyes were merely questioning. I don’t know what that question was, but the expression became stronger when he looked at her.
I have never seen them fighting. People fight when they have problems with each other, don’t they? They tell each other what’s wrong. They tell each other what makes them mad. They tell each other what needs to be changed. They fight and they make up again. Don’t they? They fight, because they care. They fight for a change. They fight, so things can become better again.
I think they forgot to fight. I didn’t knew it back then, but I do now.
The weird questions I was asked a couple of times before popped to my mind. Others must feel it too. There was something wrong. But I didn’t understand. They hadn’t been fighting. They never had any problem. We had been perfect. We had been perfect together. We, our family, we loved each other. What had happened to them? What was happing right now? We were meant to be together. Our family was perfect. There was no fighting. There was love. Well there used to be.
All was different. I knew it was. Even though they didn’t say anything at all. Even though they were putting on a show. When I watched them I saw two people that knew each other for years already, but they seemed like strangers. They had shared a love, they had shared a life, but still they seemed like strangers.  There was no connection between them. There was nothing special anymore. No mysterious power. They were just strangers.
My mother looked up and smiled at me. A more honest one than I usually got to see on her.
“Don’t you wanna play with the other kids, Lilly?”