Category Archives: The story behind
“Jamie!” Finally Alice had opened the window. I was standing here for quite a while already and my feet started getting cold. Not to mention my hands. I grinned at her. “Hey Alice.” “Did you throw stones at my window?” I nodded and scratched my head. “Why? I mean, why didn’t you just text me? And what are you even doing here?” The truth was I simply liked the idea of doing it. Who ever does this nowadays? “I thought it would be more special. I came to pick you up.” “Pick me up?” “To travel the world with me.” “Travel the world with you?” I heard a scent of surprise in her voice. “Yeah, won’t you come down?” “I thought you were joking when you said you wanna leave this town.”
Earlier this week we had been for a walk. She never had liked walking her dog alone in the dark. We were living in the safest and most boring town around and still she seemed to be scared of this place. I loved the darkness. And I loved walking around in the darkness. Everything was so different in the dark. Calm and alive at the same time. And my thoughts were never as clear as in the dark.
It had been a very long walk and we had been talking and talking and talking. Well most of the time I had been talking. And at some point I had felt the enormous desire to just walk on. To never stop. To just leave this place. I knew that feeling very well.
Sure it was my hometown, but I kept thinking that I had outgrown. I knew every single part of this town. There was nothing new waiting for me. I had met every person living here. There was nobody new to meet. And those people I had met here? Well, their worlds seemed quite little to me. I had often asked myself if just a single person in this town had ever dared to dream big. If just one wanted more than just this ordinary life. And how many of them had even been travelling? Not the “We have been travelling to see aunt Maggie” kind of travelling, but the “going abroad, seeing other countries, seeing other continents” kind of travelling. There was so much to see in this world and I wanted to see all of it. I wanted more. I wanted to ride on waves, to walk on sand, to dig in caves and find treasures. Not for the gold. I would just throw it away. But for the story. I wanted stories to tell. So when I’m old I would have stories to tell my grandchildren. Maybe I could also write about it.
I had told Alice about all that. We were dreaming for hours about all the foreign places we could go to. There were so many places on her list. So many things she wanted to see. The pyramids in Egypt, the Great Wall in China, Venice, the Taj Mahal in India, Machu Picchu, the Petra ruins…
That had been the moment I told her that we should leave this town. That I wanted to leave. I had always wanted to do that, but I also had known that I couldn’t do it alone. I had been waiting for fate to come, because I was afraid of being alone in this big world. I had been waiting for a brand new day. I had been waiting for too long.
“I wasn’t. Come away with me, Alice. I’ll be waiting outside til you’re ready to go.” “That’s insane Jamie. I’m not coming. I can’t leave and you also can’t.”
My neck started hurting from looking up at her. Speechless I looked on the ground and watched myself drawing circles with my feet. I knew she was still at the window and watching me.
“Why can’t we?” “Why can’t we?” she repeated. “Because we have a life here, Jamie. That’s why. We can’t just leave.”
A life here. What kind of a life was that? The kind of life were safety kills your soul. The kind of life were there’s no room for creativity. No room for originality. No room for being different.
“I can’t do another year like that.” I looked back on the ground. “Like what?” I didn’t answer. I didn’t feel like she’d understand anyway. I thought she was like me, but I was wrong. I thought she would be the one on my side when I forever leave this town behind me. That she would be my partner in crime. The one to be with me when I finally start to live. I was wrong. I simply whistle to a different tune.
And then I knew it. I needed nobody. I could do it all alone. I wanted to leave this town and nothing could hold me back. I knew that more than being alone I was scared of never getting out of here.
I smiled and looked up at the window again. Alice was still there. “I’ll see you soon.” I said and added “Or not.” in my thoughts. I turned around and walked away. And I walked on and on and never stopped.
I never saw Alice again.
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Jordan grabbed his collar. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. He loosened his tie a little but the feeling didn’t get any better. It was this awful place, it took his breath away. And these people. He would rather be alone. He had never seen most of them before. Why were they even here? And why couldn’t they understand that he didn’t want to talk to them? Jordan wanted to be alone. The sky was falling down on him and all he needed was to go outside. He needed some fresh air. And he needed to be away from all these people.
The moment he laid his hand and the doorknob he heard his grandfather’s voice through the microphone. “Might I have your attention for a moment, please?” His look wandered over the many heads and finally stopped at Jordan. His look laid on him for a while, then Jordan let go of the doorknob and folded his arms. He knew that his grandfather wanted him to stay and listen. As soon as he was done he’d leave.
“First of all I want to thank you all for being here. It means a lot to us. And I know that it would also mean a lot to Rachel. Many of you went to see her the last days. When my wife and I saw her in the evenings she had always welcomed us with a smile and said Mommy, daddy, you won’t believe who came to see me. She spent her last days surrounded by people who loved her, remembering the wonderful time she had on this planet earth. I wish she would have had more time. I wish I could’ve given her some of my own. It seems so unfair to me that someone so good and filled with love like Rachel had to go so early. I am still here and my Rachel disappeared into the dust. Why is that? It doesn’t make any sense. I am old and not half as good as Rachel was. She deserved my time and she deserved less pain. But maybe I got more time so I can become as good as a person as Rachel was. Angel belong to heaven. Love and duty called her someplace higher and she went up the stairs. I want her near. I want her here. And I could scream, shout and cry.
But then I remember her strength, I remember her faith, I remember her hope and I remember her love. The immense strength she went through live with, her faith in god, the humanity and that everything will turn out the way it should be, her hope for the good and that her loved ones would never have to suffer and her love for life.
She had so much love to give. Rachel’s love touched so many people. On a cloudy, fresh autumn day she could make you see the beauty of the colored world. In a snowy winter night she made you aware of the peaceful atmosphere. When others were sad she made them smile again. And when others forgot to love life she made them remember.
I remember that all and I know that she wouldn’t want me to scream and shout and cry. She would want me to love life. To love life for her. To see the beauty in every day. So that one day when I walk up the stairs to see her again I will be able to tell her about all the beauties that I’ve seen.” He stopped for a moment and Jordan took a deep breath. His grandfather looked up at the ceiling and this time he spoke directly to Jordan’s mother.
“Rachel, we miss you. And we will honor your memory by loving life as much as you did.
May your strength give us strength. May your faith give us faith. May your hope give us hope. And may your love give us love.”
A tear rolled down Jordan’s cheek. He turned around, opened the door and ran away. He didn’t want to hear all that. All he wanted was his mother back.
I was on my way to Rhiannon. She had called me earlier to ask if I’d have time for her. Of course I had! I would always have time for her. We were friends for quite a long time already. I had met her on my first day in kindergarten. I had been shy and not very eager to stay, but then Rhiannon came to me. Actually she sort of danced into my direction. Her red curls had been jumping up and down. She had stopped right in front of me and scrutinized me with her green eyes. I remembered that I had been wondering if she was an elf. Then she had taken my hand and showed me around. Ever since she had never left my side and I never left hers.
I was expecting to find her in tears. And I did. I only had a second to see that she was crying then my face was buried in her bushy hair. I tried to convince her to let go for a moment so we could go inside, but she didn’t even take notice. I maneuvered the sobbing something, that had little to do with the Rhiannon I knew, inside.
It took me approximately half an hour to calm her enough to understand what was wrong. She was crying because of Adam. Of course it was Adam’s fault. It always was. That idiot! He was the happiest man on earth to be with a girl like Rhiannon, but instead of appreciating her he was always fighting with her. He should kiss the ground she was walking on, but he cared to little to even notice how much he was hurting her. There was a time when they had been totally happy, when she had constantly been smiling. And I had been happy for her. Of course I had, nothing was more beautiful than a smiling Rhiannon. But somewhere along the way their love had started falling apart and her heaven turned into dark.
“I don’t know what to do. Should I leave him?” The honest answer would have been yes. But I couldn’t just tell her to leave him. It had to be her own decision. I wanted her to be sure about her feelings. I wanted her so see what I saw. That she deserved better. And a little piece of me wasn’t sure if I wouldn’t say it out of selfish reasons.
“You need to listen to your heart. There’s nothing else you can do. Deep inside your heart you already made a decision.” “No, I really don’t know if I should stay with him or not.” “Rhiannon, I know you. You are so strong. Even if it doesn’t seem so right now.” She smiled for short moment. “Listen to the voice within you. What does it say?” She gave me a serious look.
“Sometimes I wonder if the fighting is worthwhile, cause we’re losing the precious moments we could have. I can’t even remember anymore when the last time was that we were just happy together. Nothing is like it was before.” She said. But I felt like she had more to say, so I waited for her to continue. I could read from her face that she was deep in thoughts.
“I always had a dream what love should be like. I thought that love is a scent of magic. And besides all adversities it would simply be beautiful and feel good. And I thought love would be wilder than the wind. A love so strong that it blows away all troubles. I feel like I belong to my dreams. But I’m still not sure if Adam is a part of them.”
“Does the relationship with Adam feel the way you thought love would feel like? Listen to your heart and you will know.”
She leaned on my shoulder and I was hoping that listening to her heart would one day lead her to me.
Larissa’s eyes followed a raindrop that was running down the window pane. Another one. More and more. Some were racing. The rain became heavier and Larissa gave a sigh. She used to love the rain, but now she couldn’t stand it. The rain played drums on the window pane and every drumbeat seemed like mocking to her. The rain was mocking her. That was Mother Nature’s way of laughing into her face. Every drumbeat reminded her that he wasn’t here with her. The rain against her window brought back sweet memories. Bitter sweet memories. Sweet because it was such a wonderful time and bitter because it would never be like that again.
The rainy days had been by far the most beautiful time she have had the last three years. She had snuggled up in one of Marcus’ pullovers and he had held her in his arms. They had just been staring out the window and had listened to the sound of the rain. Sometimes they had been betting on the racing raindrops. The winner never got anything, but it had been fun anyways.
Marcus used to say that he loved the rain because the world seemed so different afterwards. As if the rain washed everything bad away. There had been a time when she knew exactly what he meant. Now the only thing that seemed different to her was the rain itself. It was by far lonelier and no longer fun. All there was left was the mocking.
Instead of enjoying the moment she tormented herself with the memories. She tormented herself with the thought that he wasn’t there. How much she wished it was different. How much she wished that Marcus was holding her and whispering into her ear. The rainy days were the days she had felt closest to him. They had shared secrets. Marcus had told her about his dreams. He had planned a future for them. He had told her about the beautiful children they would have. That he wanted his little girls to look exactly like their mommy. How he’d frighten away every boy that would come to close to his little girls. How he’d teach them everything he knew. And the house in the green, where they could sit and listen to the rain for the rest of their lives. The house that would have enough space for a big family.
That was all gone. The great time they’ve had was gone. Just like Marcus. They parted and Larissa was alone. Staring out the window and listening to the sound that she could no longer stand. The steady, bothering drumbeat that hit her heart. The one thing that she could no longer stand – the rain against her window.
Madi was still looking at me. I saw tears glittering in her eyes. As fast as I could I looked away. I’d break down under her look. I never wanted to make her cry. I never wanted her to be sad. But I made her sad and now she was close to tears. If only I knew how to change things. If only I knew how to fix things. If only I knew a way out.
“Could you please say something?” I heard the pain in her voice. Maybe if I had looked up I would’ve seen a tear running down her face. But I was still staring into the nothing next to her.
I wanted to open my mouth and answer her. But what should I say? My head felt like exploding because of all the things on my mind. But not a single thought was reachable. Not a single thought could be put into words. I opened my mouth so the words could maybe just fall out of it. But the connection between my head and my mouth must have been broken. Nothing happened. I remained silent. Unable to speak. Why can’t I just say something? Or at least say that I can’t talk? Or that I don’t know what to say? It’s not that hard. I’ve done this thousands and millions of times before. I’ve always been good at talking. When did I lose this ability?
“Please, say something. Just anything!” I still couldn’t look at her. The time passed as I stared into the nothing and tried to convince myself of speaking. Madi seemed far, far away. As far as my thoughts seemed. Maybe I just couldn’t say anything, because I knew it would hurt her. It would definitely hurt her to hear what was on my mind. She loved me. She wouldn’t be able to deal with that. But she was also hurt because of the silence. It was a lose-lose-situation.
“I just wanna help you. But you need to tell me what’s wrong.” What’s wrong? I didn’t know what’s wrong. Anything and nothing. I was broken and I didn’t know why. I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be happy. But I didn’t know how. Just like I didn’t know how to say what was on my mind.
I knew speaking was easy, but to me it seemed like the toughest challenge of my life. I knew I was hurting anybody around me and I wanted to change so bad, but had no clue how to. And why couldn’t they understand? Why couldn’t they just understand that I wasn’t me? Why couldn’t they understand they I wasn’t like this because I wanted to? I never choose to be like this. If only I could choose. Nobody needed to be hurt, because of me. My choice was worth nothing. If I could choose, I’d let Madi know. Maybe she could actually help me. Maybe she could bring me back to light. Maybe she knew the way out of the cold. But then again it was unrealistic to think that she could help me. What did she even know? Nothing! Madi’s world was good. Madi’s world was safe and bright. She’d drown in the darkness of my thoughts. She shouldn’t come too close. I needed to hide her from the truth. I had tried before. I’d been acting for so long. But I couldn’t act any longer. My energy was gone. The masquerade exhausted me. It took my last energy and all there was left was the darkness within me. The beast within me won and there was nowhere I could hide.
“Lilly, please look at me.” Madi said pleadingly. I tried. I really tried. But I had as much control over my moves as I had over my mouth. How hard could it be to just turn your head around? Why couldn’t I just give her that little something? Why couldn’t I just give her at least one thing she asked for? A simple gesture to show her that I cared. That I heard her. And that I wanted to. Maybe she would be less hurt. Maybe then she wouldn’t think that I didn’t trust her enough or that she didn’t mean enough to me to talk to her. She was my sister. She meant the world to me. She had always been the person I trusted the most. If I could, if I just could, than I would talk to her. I would change for her, so she had no reason to be sad. But I had no control. I couldn’t turn my head. I couldn’t remove my look from the nothing. I couldn’t put my thoughts into words.
Somewhere far away, but right next to me, Madi was moving. I realized her coming closer. Very fast. She grabbed my shoulders and started shaking me. “Lilly! Please, you gotta talk to me. Say something! Lilly! Say something! Do something! Lilly!” Madi was right in front of me. She was crying. She was sobbing. She must have seen the demons within my eyes. That was where they were hiding.
I saw her right in front of me. I felt her shaking me. But I was still staring into the nothing. Silent. Unable to speak. Unable to move. Unable to fight the darkness. That was my kingdom come.
Matheo looked into Giulia’s direction. For a moment he got lost in her perfection. She looked amazing in that white dress. Her skin seemed even more tanned. Her straight black hair was falling over her back.
As if she felt that he was staring at her she turned around. She gave him her brightest smile. He gasped. Her smile took his breath away the first time he met her and from then on it always had. And it always will. Within that smile laid all her beauty. Her intelligence, her kindness, her passion and her enormous love for life. Giulia was the woman he wanted to be with the rest of his life. He loved her like crazy. Matheo wasn’t sure if she knew how deep in love he was with her. The passion he felt for her the moment he met her was still as strong as in that moment. Maybe even stronger. He knew that this feeling would never get lost.
Giulia pointed at him and formed words with her mouth. She was too far away so Matheo couldn’t understand. He tried to show her that he couldn’t hear her. She pointed at her ears and then at the speakers nearby. He concentrated on the song playing. It was their song. Now he knew exactly where that bright smile came from. Sometimes he thought she loved that song more than she loved him. But then he remembered that more than the song itself she loved when he sang it for her.
Matheo began to sing and even though she couldn’t hear him Giulia’s smile got even brighter. How was that even possible? How was it possible that this woman seemed to become more beautiful every time he looked at her? How was it possible that with the years his desire for her became only stronger? It was infinite. It was a mystery to him. She was a mystery. And then again he knew exactly who she was. The wonderful woman that gave him the most beautiful moments of his life. Still singing he walked towards her. Her eyes started sparkling of joy.
To tell her that he loved her would never be enough. He wanted to show her the rest of his life. And he would tell her each and every day that there was nothing more beautiful than her. And there would never be anything more beautiful. She was unique. And if she would let him he’d love her forever.
Thankful for her existence Matheo took Giulia’s hands and looked into those sparkling eyes. Touched she listened to his gentle voice singing the last words of the song to her.
„Your life gets kind of boring lately.” Jimmy laughs at me. “I know. I need another story.” “So there’s absolutely nothing you want to get off your chest? Nothing to confess?” “Absolutely nothing!” “Ahhh come on don’t tell me there’s nothing. There has got to be something.” I know that Jimmy was still joking, but somehow I became more serious. As if I wouldn’t be honest with him. I got so sick of all the insincere lately. People lie about the simplest things. It’s not making anything better if you don’t tell the truth. So why on earth can’t people be honest? Most of all about their feelings. Jimmy’s look is becoming more observing and serious. “What’s wrong?” “Tell me what you want to hear. What will light those ears?” His face expression gets a bit confused. “Well … Whatever is on your mind.” “I’m just tired. Tired about people’s lies. It’s all about lying and pretending. Lying about what we think and feel and pretending that things don’t happen. Or pretending that we don’t care, which is also a lie. I’m so fed up with this. Why should I lie about how I feel? Not to make the other feel bad? Like, no! How would that help? It’s obviously not helping me because besides not feeling good I also have to pretend that I’m totally fine. That’s mental stress! And if the asking person actually cares about me they should prefer knowing the truth. But it also works the other way around. Sometimes you pretend not to be super happy, because you don’t want to bother others with your good mood. That’s so wrong! And if you already lie about your mood you can’t be honest about deeper feelings and thoughts either. It sucks that you need to question people’s honesty each and every time.” “You don’t need to question mine. I’m always 100% honest with you.” “I know Jimmy. So am I with you. But I want more. I want no more perfect lies. I want to say what’s on my mind and don’t fear the critics. I don’t want to be ashamed about how I feel. I don’t want to be ashamed about what I think. That’s like being ashamed of who I am.” “There’s no need to be ashamed at all. Who cares about what others might think? Who are they to judge you? Be the person you want to be. If anybody can’t deal with that then they can fuck off. You don’t need them in your life. And maybe you’ll inspire more people to do the same. Be as honest as you are.” A moment of silence. Jimmy is right. Things need to change. At least for me.
“No more lies. No more pretending. I’m gonna give all my secrets away.”
“So will I, Shane.” Jimmy laughs again.
“That’s why you’re my best friend.”
“Emma! Open the door!” Ryan screamed while he was banging against the door. His face distorted with rage. “Open the fucking door, Emma. I swear I’m gonna burn this place down if you don’t.” He was still banging against the door. “Emma! Emma! Open the door! Now! I’m gonna break all your bones. Open the fucking door!” The banging got harder and he started kicking the door. This went on till he felt his power fading. With a scream he turned around and walked away. He stopped and tore his short brown hair. He looked back at the door, his eyes softer than before. He walked back, sank to the ground and leaned back at the door. “Emma?!” he said. But it was more of a question this time.
Emma sat at the other side of the door. Her arms around her knees. The eyes wide open. Her lip was bleeding and she could feel her eye bruising. Soon she wouldn’t be able to see through her right eye because of her swollen face. Every beat at the door made her start and when Ryan finally stopped she slumped. Her eyes filled with tears that she couldn’t hold back any longer. Her crying turned into a sobbing. Uncontrollable.
Ryan sat there and listened to the sound of Emma’s crying. With every minute passing he calmed down more and the guilt grew deep inside of him. He couldn’t understand himself. He never had. It was like he was in flight whenever they were fighting. The wrong felt right and later on all there was left was shame. If she only hadn’t provoked him that bad. He had never meant to lay hands on her, but there was something about her that he couldn’t control himself. Their relationship was pure insanity, but when it was going good it was going great. She made him feel awesome. Like Superman. And she was his Lois Lane. But when things turned bad it got awful. They were fighting over nonsense and with each spoken word he got angrier. She brought out the worst of him, woke the demons within him. He had lost control and even forgot about his own strength. He remembered the time he had just met her. He would’ve never thought that he could hurt her.
Emma lay on the ground still shaken by sobs. She thought of the time when all feelings she had about Ryan were good. The time she barely couldn’t breathe when she was with him. The warm fuzzy feeling and the chills he once gave her. Now she sometimes got sick by looking at him.
“Emma, please open the door.” She got a fright from hearing his voice again. She didn’t answer or move. Ryan looked at his hands. The hands that he had thought could never do such a thing. He observed the bite on his hand. He couldn’t even remember her doing that. He had been so lost in the moment that nothing had reached him. The scratches on his arms caught his eye. He stood up to look into the mirror. There were also scratches on his face and neck. What had happened when the rage took over? All he could remember was the venom in her words. She wanted to leave him. Maybe he should’ve just let her go. Maybe it would’ve been best to go separate ways a long time ago.
Emma thought of the promise he gave her the last time. He broke it. She should’ve known. Why didn’t she just leave? He couldn’t have hurt her again. Maybe he wouldn’t have if she only hadn’t said these things. She never meant to say them. She knew he wouldn’t like that and still she did. The last time she had promised herself to control her temper better so she wouldn’t attack him. But then she got mad and he got angry and she started saying these things that made him even angrier. Maybe that’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano.
No, Ryan knew he could never let her go. She belonged to him. He loved her too much to let her go or walk away. He’d do anything to keep her.
“Baby, please open the door. I’m sorry! I swear this will never happen again. I’ll learn to control myself. I know it’s all my fault and I’m sorry. I hate myself for hurting you. Please baby, open the door so you can look into my eyes to see how sincere I am. I swear this will never happen again if you just give me one more chance.” Emma listened up. “Baby I’m tired of us fighting. No more games. I’ll be a better man. For you! Baby I just need one more chance.”
She knew he was lying. He had promised her so often he’d change. She had heard so many lies. So many broken promises.
“I love you, Emma.” Ryan said.
“I love the way you lie.” she thought and opened the door.
There’s always a way out. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
(International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies )
(The National Domestic Violence Hotline/USA)
(The Domestice Abuse Helpline for men and women)
Aiden stood at the edge of the bridge. His hands with a firm grip at the balustrade behind him he leaned forward. Woaaah this was high. He didn’t expect it to be that high. The streaming water under him looked terrifying. “Why am I here again?” he asked himself. “Do I really want to do this?” He leaned back again and took a glance at the surface. So wide. The world seemed peaceful and powerful at the same time. At that moment he knew exactly why he was there – to fight the numbness. “I’ve become so numb.” he thought. Aiden had felt so faithless lately, so lost under the surface. He was tired of being what others wanted him to be. He didn’t even know what they were expecting. The pressure was getting to big. People wanted him to walk in their shoes, but every step that he took seemed to be another mistake to them. He was so fed up with this. He could no longer just sit and be numb. Aiden was too aware that he was becoming a zombie. Just walking around doing what was expected of him, giving up on his dreams. Giving up his own self. He knew he couldn’t keep on watching his life pass by without him being part of it.
He took a deep breath and looked over the edge again. It was still scaring the shit out of him. But the second look convinced him even more that this was the right step to take. He wanted the control of his life back. Especially his parents had smothered him. They were holding so tightly, unaware that they took him his breath. Aiden wasn’t mad at them, cause he knew that they were only afraid of him taking the wrong way. But only his own way would be the right way for him. By taking the control over his life they set him on the wrong way. “They are too blind to see that their way isn’t necessarily the right way.” he thought bitterly. Everything that they thought he would be would be falling apart right in front of them. Aiden knew he’d disappoint them. Not only his parents. But living a numb life would disappoint him a lot more.
“Aiden are you sure you want to do this?” He looked into Marys eyes. She seemed to be seriously worried. “You don’t have to do this. We could just go home. You know, mum and dad are already waiting. They probably don’t think this is a good idea either.”
Aiden smiled at her and faced the precipice again. “All I want to do is be more like me …” he said and added “and be less like you.” in his thoughts. Then he jumped.
When the rope finally caught him he screamed: “I’m alive!”
Andrea opened the car door and let herself fall on the driver seat. The sound of the smashing car door echoed through the empty street. She listened completely motionless. Long after it was already quiet the bang was still echoing through her head. She felt paralyzed and empty-headed. The light started fading and Andrea still didn’t move at all. Suddenly a man left one of the nearby houses. She watched him get into his car and drive away. Finally, no longer paralyzed, she turned the key to start her car. She needed to get away from here. As fast as she could.
The silence now laid heavily on her and she quickly turned on the radio. She didn’t really listen, but the voice calmed her. The radio host stopped talking and a song started playing. She missed its title, but the melody seemed familiar to her. Maybe she’d remember when she heared the lyrics. “I’m not a perfect person, there’s many things I wish I didn’t do …” A gentle manly voice started singing. Yes, now Andrea remembered. The Reason. “What a beautiful song.” she thought. Andrea turned up the volume as she left the city. Michael never told her he was sorry. And all Andrea wished in that moment was that Michael was singing that song to her. She wished that Michael would admit just one time that he made mistakes. And she wished that he’d tell her that he wants to change, that he wants to start over new. But Andrea knew that he’d never change. He hurt her over and over again. The pain he put her through could no longer be ignored. She had enough. Lied to, cheated on and ignored that’s what would describe her relationship best. When she was crying he left her alone, while all she wanted was to be told that he didn’t meant to do those things and that he’d learn from them. Andrea had to admit to herself that she should have ended the relationship a long time ago. Hoping for him to change was simply dumb. He never loved her enough to treat her better. Possibly he never loved her at all. The biggest lie he ever told her must have been that he loved her.
Her eyes filled with tears. Tears that nobody would catch, just as she was already used to. How much she wished this song was meant for her.
The refrain started once again. She turned the volume even louder and sang along. “I’ve found a reason for me, to change who I used to be. A reason to start over new. And the reason is you.” She screamed it from the top of her lunges and she couldn’t hold the tears back any longer. Her singing turned into a sobbing. Tears were running down her face and she started shaking. She needed to get a clear sight again. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea after all to listen to the radio. She wiped some tears away and leaned to the side to turn the radio off. No more thinking and crying over Michael. She needed to get home.
Silence laid over her again, but then she heard someone honking. She looked up and got dazzled by the oncoming traffic. Andrea pulled the steering-wheel around hard. Her eyes were still filled with tears and she couldn’t see what was going on. She felt how she hit something. “And the reason is you.” she thought. Then it got dark.