She slowly opened her eyes. Where was she? How did she get here? She was confused and for this very short moment her world was still whole. Then her memory came back. Hit her hard. Stole her breath. A voice inside of her was screaming. Shrill and high and painful. It was her own.
But no sound came over her lips. She was numb. That was due to the drugs running through her vains. She remembered that they had wanted her to sleep. She fought them, but had no chance to stop them. They should’ve made her sleep forever at least.
She stared at the ceiling and into the light right above her. There was nothing interesting about it, but she didn’t want to see the rest of the room. She didn’t want to see anything at all. Her eyes were dry and sore. She wanted to cry, but she couldn’t. The drugs wouldn’t let her.
She should be able to cry. She should be able to scream and shout. They stole her that much. For her own safety. That’s what they repeated over and over again while they fought her down and gave her the injection. The drug couldn’t stop the feelings though.
That was ok. That was right. She would hate herself for not feeling the way she did. Even if it was not by choice.
The light flickered in front of her eyes. It reminded her of some other light she had seen that day. The sun reflected in the pool. Her heart stopped for a second and she fell into pieces once again. She shook her head as if to get the picture out of her head. The shrill voice screaming in her head once more. She would never forget this picture. It was burned into the back of her mind. And right now it was the most present part of her brain. It would haunt her for the rest of her life. And break her heart anew every single time. She deserved that. It was her fault. She knew it was. And Leah was gone.
A tear rolled down her face. Finally. And a sob came rolling up her throat. More and more tears came rolling down her face. She gave herself willingly to the tears and sobs until she cried hysterically. Something started beeping next to her and a woman came hurrying inside her room. The woman said something, but she couldn’t understand her. And she didn’t want to. The woman grabbed her face, looked deep into her eyes and said something else in her foreign tongue. She tried to free herself and look away, but the woman held her tighter. She cried even louder than she had before. Her real voice screaming along to the voice in her head.
A second voice joined the continuous words of the woman. A familiar voice. “Susan, can you hear me?” he asked. She turned her head to the familiar voice. Seeing him only made her feel worse. It was his fault too. “You have to calm down.” No! No! She could not. She would not. It was not right. She needed to scream and shout. And he should be doing the same. Why wasn’t he? How could he be so calm? She turned away, no longer able to stand the sight of him. “Susan, you have to calm down, or they will have to give you something.” He said. “No.” she pleaded between her sobs. They couldn’t do that to her. She didn’t want them to. They couldn’t. She tried to get out of her bed, but they held her back. More people came rushing in. She fought them, hysterically crying out “no” over and over again. It had been the same when they had dragged her away from the pool.
The pushed her down on her bed and strapped her arms to it. They did the same with her legs after she started kicking them. With wide eyes she watched the doctor putting the needle in her arms. For a last time she screamed “No.” as she felt the drug getting into her system. “I don’t want this!” she thought. “I want my child!” she thought. “I want her back!”