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Why were we friends again?

I recently realised that I somehow got sucked into an unhealthy relationship. Obviously, I only had the best intentions. Who actually plans to be in an unhealthy relationship? I am fucked up in my own special way, but that much? No!
So here’s the story. A couple of years ago I met this guy online. We had a very random conversation, but he was nice enough so we talked again some time later. Over a period of time we got to know each other somewhat better. We talked regularly. He told me about his girlfriend, I told him about the guy I was involved with. Blah … blah … blah … same old story. I never thought about him as someone I could have romantic feelings for. I never even met the guy. He was just this person behind the messages, this picture on the screen, the voice on the phone. The way I saw him he would’ve been great to hang out with. Someone to spend a day in the pub with. But it never came to that. Still I wished him well and cared for him. He was a friend to me.
So far so good, but at some point I felt like he wished for me to be more than just a friend. He still had his girlfriend and told me often enough how much he loved her. So I explained the feeling away and didn’t ask him if there was anything to it.
Then out of nowhere he told me what an awful person and friend I was and blocked me. I was crushed and could hardly understand how it came to that. In my eyes I had treated him like most of my other friends. In my brain I evaluated every friendship I ever had. Was I really such a bad friend? Broken friendships popped into my mind. Was I to blame for every friendship that ended badly? Maybe. I couldn’t tell. But then again why had so many of my friends stuck with me for such a long time? Also I realised that I had plenty of friends. I told myself to just let it go. What did it matter what one person had told me? And anyway I couldn’t even reach him to find out why he thought so badly of me. Or could I? Through all his attempts to cut me off, he had left a back door open. I still don’t know whether on purpose or by accident, but he had left me a way to reach him. After some time thinking, I eventually decided to contact him.
I won’t call it a mistake, but in a way our friendship was defined by the conversation we had then. To make it short he accused me of many things that I felt were unjustified, but I apologised anyway. I was determined to show him that I could be a great friend. The best of friends.
Looking back this urge to prove myself as a good friend to a real-life-stranger seems insane. It surely is. But hey that was just the mental state I was in.
So we were back on talking terms again. But this friendship brought me no happiness at all. I had to face accusations over and over again. He regularly put me down. And stupid as I was, I apologised and promised to work hard on being a better friend.
To be fair things did get better. I still got side punches every now and then. He liked to tell me how much his girlfriend didn’t like me and how she mistrusted me and warned him to stay away from me. There is a good chance that she had indeed said these things. I am positive she had sensed that his intentions towards me were more than just friendly. Anyway my suspicions were confirmed by him a while later. I made it very clear that I did not see him the same way and was also positive I wouldn’t do so in future. He stayed with his girlfriend and I thought now that the air was cleared we might have an actual chance of a normal friendship. I thought clearing the air and leaving no hopes for any romance would set the guy free. Yaaaay no more hopes, no more friendzone. But nope! That’s not how the friendzone works. Accordingly any contact between us was awkward.
We made it work anyhow. Why? I can’t fucking tell! I was still trying to prove I was a good person and friend, I guess. There were so many things that I had to ignore in order to keep this friendship going. So many fucking things! He asked for more and more of me. Again and again I was asked to change. To then be told how perfect I was. The fuck I am! All the compliments just made me feel awkward. I wasn’t used to it and out of his mouth it just sounded wrong. I don’t doubt the honesty behind most his compliments. But still it was wrong. I wasn’t the one he was meant to tell these things. These were not compliments between friends. Stupidly enough I ignored them too. I admit that I still can’t tell to which extend I liked to hear these things. I was still talking to him, wasn’t I? Why?
Anyway the day came when he broke up with his girlfriend. I dedicated much time to him. Wasn’t this what friends did? I wanted him to be happy, I understood that he wouldn’t be for some time and that he wanted me to be there for him. I really did my best to be the friend that he needed.
But soon enough he showed me again that his intentions were of a different kind. I repeated what I had told him before, feeling like I was worsening his heartache.
Then shortly after I found out that he had lied to me about a few things. I was super pissed and I confronted him. No traps, no bullshit, I told him about the proof I had for his lies. Instead of him explaining to me why he had done so and solving the issue he turned the whole thing around. Again I was told what a bad friend I was and how he owed me no explanation whatsoever. My confronting him with this only proved how bad a friend I was and all this was none of my business anyway. Yes, somehow he managed to make himself look the victim. Followed by this he blocked me again. This time only for a shorter period. How the fuck we started talking again I can’t explain. But we did.
And I was back in the old circle of regular ups and downs in this relationship. It is crazy how much one can ignore on account of trying to prove a point. There were still moments when I honestly believed in our friendship.
But here we are … once again I was blocked and told I make an awful friend. This time after my inquisition if he felt like he was stuck in the friendzone with me. He did. I felt like I was standing between him and his happiness and told him as much. I suggested that if he needed to distance himself from me and our friendship to become happier he should do as much. I would step back if he needed me to. He told me I was being stupid and followed by this the same old story of me being a bad friend came up again.
When I saw that he had blocked me I felt …. Annoyed! And then I thought “So be it!” I had told him he could opt out of this after all. Sure, this had turned into something else, but the result was the same. I admit that when I suggested to end this friendship, it was not just for his good. A part of me wanted out. This friendship had become more of an obligation. And I could never live up to his idea of a friend. I gave and gave and gave and it was never enough. He had a reason to tell me I was a bad friend. Apparently in his eyes I am. But you know what? That’s ok.
There are so many people that I make a great friend to. There are people that appreciate me for who I am. And it is so fucking easy to be a friend to those people. I am not a bad person, neither is he. I am not a bad friend and neither is he. We just have different ideas of friendship. We shouldn’t change to live up to something that we can never be without being unhappy.
So, you people out there, I’ll leave you with that …


A man of easy smiles

I was standing around with two friends, waiting. Well, one friend. I had only met the other girl once. But in our situation nearly everybody was called a friend. I disliked that. Melanie was nice and had potential, but at this point I refused to see her as my friend. None of the people we were waiting for was a friend of mine. Melanie and Andrea said they were their friends, but in my eyes the greater part was merely more to them than Melanie was to me and some were total strangers. I didn’t know what to expect of them, or whether it was better not to expect anything at all and I was rather bored of waiting for them. Why couldn’t they be on time? Being late had always annoyed me.
It was a fresh, but sunny morning. A promising start of day. Not for the first time I asked myself if I shouldn’t have stayed at home. I would’ve loved to stretch out in the sun with a good book. But that was what I always did. Andrea had asked me again and again to join them at this and that and it had always ended with the result of me not being there. I had given her the best reason to stop inviting me, but so far she hadn’t. Some part of me was afraid she would. Therefor I was here. And to prove to myself that I wasn’t as antisocial as I made people think I was.
Andrea was moving around impatiently. She wasn’t used to wait for others. It was always her people had to wait for. Then finally they seemed to have discovered someone in the crowd. The girls welcomed him with delight. And he greeted me as cheerful as the other two and seemed not to care that we hadn’t met before. Stunned I introduced myself as to remind him that we were unfamiliar with each other. The stranger gave me a big smile and told me his name was Charlie.
Something about Charlie captured my attention even after the other ones arrived. I only had met one other person before and unfortunately it was someone I hadn’t liked too much at first meeting. I couldn’t be annoyed by her appearance for too long, cause my mind was busy figuring out Charlie. His person seemed to be liked by everybody. No other person rejoiced anybody as much as he did. Shortly after departing from our place of meeting I got the chance to have a little chat with him. And even though our talk was nothing more than billions of other first talks I had had before, I felt some sincere interest in my personality.
I spent a good quantity of the day observing my companions. Stranger or none stranger. But Charlie was by far the most interesting individual of the group. I could tell that he was somewhat older than myself and most of the others. But then again a certain youth and energy was surrounding him. I questioned my idea of his age over and over again. It wasn’t really of matter, but I was annoyed that I couldn’t figure it out without asking him.
It took me all day to finally realis what made me like him in an instant. We were sitting in a pub and over my beer I was looking at Charlie, who sat on the opposite of me. He caught my look and gave me a smile. A beautiful smile. Honest and warm. That was it! His smile! It was different from all the other smiles. He was smiling a lot I realized. Always at the right time. I knew a lot of people who were full of smiles. But their smiles weren’t as honest as his. His eyes lighted up when he smiled to go back to a thoughtful melancholy as soon as the smile faded. This melancholy captured me. Where did it come from? Had it been there all day? I remembered at least one moment I had seen it. An expression that promised personality. There was more about Charlie than his easy but charming smiles.

Everybody needs a Penny



When I was just seven years old my family and I moved to Nowhereland. That’s what it seemed like to me back than and that’s what I call it today. Out of a flat in the city into a big house on the countryside. The house was a big improvement to what we had before, but the village? Back then I was too excited and too young to even think about the whole far-away-from-a-city issue. What mattered more at that time was that I was far away from any family member, besides my parents and brothers, and of course my friends.
We were on summer break, but soon enough I had to start at a new school. Even though we spent every day outside playing on the street I never met anyone my age, that I could make friends with.
School started and I faced a new class, a new teacher and a weird dialect that confused me more than once. The kids in my class were all quite nice and welcomed me warmly. Long story short only one boy, Joey, remains me today as a true friend. But this is not his story …
So I had found a lot kids that I got along well with, but no friend that I could love dearly. One day my elder brother got sick and had to stay home. In the afternoon I answered the door and there she stood with a big smile on her face: Penny! She lived just down the street and had come to bring my brother his homework. We didn’t talk for very long, but I knew right away that I liked her.
Penny is two years my senior, but we couldn’t have cared less. She was from a big family, just like me. And she had only moved to the village a year earlier. Penny loved to do sports. She played football, she went skating, she danced, she did pretty much everything sport-related.
In the shortest of time we became really good friends. I can’t remember a day of my childhood that I didn’t at least see her. She was just down the road and always up for playing.

Who of you has seen “The Big Bang Theory”? Through there is currently no way around it, I bet all of you. And in case you haven’t seen it, give it a try. It’s worth it.
You all should know Penny then. Penny (Kaley Cuoco) is that super hot chick, that lives right next to the nerds. And even through she is so different to the nerds they become good friends. Mostly because Leonard has a crush on her.
Besides being absolutely beautiful, Penny appears to be really cool. She’s girly on one side and loves fashion. But then again she’s into sports, drinks like a man and would be a great choice as partner in crime. Penny is someone you can rely on. Someone you shouldn’t mess with. The nerds may make her look a bit stupid, but she is not at all. She actually is quite clever.
The only thing that might make her look not so clever is her choice of men. She really has some bad luck with men. Can you even call it that? I mean, she always goes for the same kind of guy until she finally gives Leonard a chance.

And that’s what my Penny is like. Beautiful, clever, caring, kind and the best friend someone could ever have. Penny is like sunshine. She brightens up a room when she enters. And her smile never fails to cheer me. I can hardly believe that anybody sees her differently. Penny also had some bad luck with men, but I have no doubt that there’s a Leonard for her. I’m not thinking of a nerd, just someone who loves her with all his heart.
Penny is not only my oldest friend, she is my best friend. She is my sister. Extended family. I’m the nerd and she is the beauty, but nothing can tear us apart.
Our lives might have gone into different directions, but our friendship remains. I know whatever happens she will be there. And nothing could make me turn against her.
Different people have tried to interfere in our friendship. Most can hardly understand what keeps us together, or what brought us together in first place. Penny once told me that one of her friends turned to her and told her I was weird and too smart. She was furious and told her friend that this was exactly why she loved me.
We might have our faults, we might be totally different, but in the end we’re the same, cause we couldn’t love each other more.

My friend Ted …



My friend Ted has got an interesting personality. Like probably every person in this world. But his is interesting in the way that makes nearly everybody want to know him better. He’s got charisma, that is for sure. You meet him and then he wraps you around his little finger. And things always turn out good for Ted. At least that’s what it seems.
The circumstances in that we met were rather unconventional. We support the same team and that’s what brought us together. It was more of a shallow friendship at first, if you can even call it like that. We talked about the latest match and upcoming ones, the player and the league. Nothing special. But as it happens a lot of my friendships started like this.
At some point Ted and I started talking about our lives. Not long after that we stopped talking at all. Not even a word. Silence for month. More than half a year later we started talking again. All of a sudden. None of us even mentioned the silence. Possibly because both of us saw ourselves as the reason why. I never attempted starting a conversation and so did he. I invited him to come to my place and Ted came. Now you need to know that we lived quite far from each other’s. And now even farer. So it was sort of a big deal. He stayed for a week. This week was all crazy and fascinating and weird and it was the start of our friendship the way it is now. We both haven’t had a very good time during the silence. Not because we were so sad about it, but because we individually faced life’s struggles. And as it happens we gave each other the feeling that we could talk about it. We went for long walks and we talked and talked and talked. We exchanged ideas, inspired each other and most important listened. Ted often tells me he wishes we were on one of our walks, cause life seemed so peaceful back then.
Ted didn’t go back home, but instead went on an adventurous travel. This time was a life-changing experience for him. And all this time I was his person. The person he could turn to when he felt down and out of energy. I’m happy he gave me that chance. It gave me the possibility to truly get to know him. I got to see his soul. Something that he rarely grants anybody.
Sometimes I felt helpless. How should I comfort somebody miles and miles away? How can you convince someone everything will be alright, when you are so very worried about that person? I found a way and it seemed to work.
Now he is back from his travels. Which doesn’t mean that we are any closer in matters of distance. And it also doesn’t mean that there’s no more reason to ask for advice. But we certainly laugh a lot more these days.

And here’s the funny part: Ted is not his actual name. It’s not even any close to his name. And I never call him Ted. But he reminds me very much of Ted Mosby from “How I met your mother”. In case you haven’t watched the show, it’s about Ted telling his kids in a nearly endless story how he met their mother and what crazy things happened to him and his friends along the way.
Can I imagine my friend doing the exact same thing? Oh yes I can! The only difference would probably be that his kids would be less bored. (Through I have to confess that I never understood the kids in the show.)
But the main reason why I see him as Ted is his desire to find the perfect girl. I can imagine that we all are looking for our perfect fits and are somehow amazed by the idea of true love. That is human nature. We don’t want to be alone. But in Ted’s case this has an obsessive character. He just tires very, very hard to find love. He loves the idea so much, that he sees love at every corner and therefore goes through an awful lot of women. Ted is on a rollercoaster of emotions. One moment he is high on love and the next downcast. And I am on that rollercoaster with him. Excited when he is and ready to catch him in case he falls.
At this very moment there is a girl that he referred to as the one. I hope she really is the one. Not because I’m tired of hearing his stories about the girls that all were “the one”, but because I want him to be happy. And if she is not the one, then I am ready to catch his fall once more.
But I am certain at some point this rollercoaster ride will have an ending.
I mean … even “How I met your mother” finally came to an end.