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That awkward moment when you apologise for being a vegetarian

I recently was invited to stay at somebody’s house for the weekend. I was very much looking forward to it and I indeed had a great time there. But a thought struck me just a couple of days before the trip: Was me being a vegetarian going to be an issue? I had been there before, so I knew their eating habits. But were they aware that I no longer ate meat? I hadn’t told them. But had my family? I told myself that surely they had mentioned it. Well … guess who was wrong?
Dinner time came and we were all dished some awkwardness. I noticed quickly that nobody had mentioned to my hosts that I was a vegetarian. I had mentally prepared myself for this possibility and even found some humour in it. Not so much my hosts. They were weirdly irritated by me eating nothing but salad and offered me some chicken. I thankfully declined and went to explain only to be interrupted by my family. “She doesn’t eat chicken. She’s a vegetarian!” one of the little ones shouted. What shall I say? It’s a very big deal for the kids. They would tell strangers on the streets, if only I let them. So there it was. The V-word, that can change the mood at a dinner table completely. Before I knew what was happening I found myself saying sorry over and over. But what for? For being an inconvenience? I wasn’t asking for special treatment. I never became a vegetarian to be a burden to anybody. I became a vegetarian, because I couldn’t justify to myself feeding on animals, when I could comfortably live without their suffering and death. I shouldn’t apologise for that.
So again, why was I apologising. I believe, because I put my hosts into a position where they felt they couldn’t live up to being good hosts. Or rather their interpretation of a good host. I was perfectly happy. They felt I shouldn’t be, that they should’ve provided me with something better. And who’s fault was it that they felt that way? Entirely mine! I suspected they didn’t know about my vegetarianism and still I didn’t act upon that suspicion. It would’ve been fairly easy to warn them. Instead I had told myself that it would be fine. To me being a vegetarian is not a big deal. It’s just the way it is. A part of my life. To others it occasionally happens to be quite a big deal. I know that. And I should respect that, the way I expect them to respect my decision not to eat meat. So for others I will have to make a bigger deal out of it at times. Just to make sure that their not knowing won’t cause them to feel uncomfortable.
And then hopefully I won’t have to apologise for being a vegetarian again. Cause really …  it’s a good thing!

Creepy Crawlies on your head

Once again I found myself spending hours and hours searching children’s heads for nits. It was the third time in half a year that one of the kids brought head lice home. By now I feel like an expert at spotting the disgusting little eggs.
Head lice are not a sign of uncleanliness. Anybody can get head lice, in fact they feel a lot more attracted to clean heads. Therefor having them is nothing to be ashamed of. But let me tell you they are some annoying little buggers.
They jump onto your head, bite you, drink your blood, lay their eggs and then they jump onto the next head. But within a week or two the eggs hatch and you’ve got a bunch of new head lice jumping around. The Nymphs become adults within one to two weeks, which means more nits. The longer it takes to detect there are head lice going round, the faster they spread. That’s why it’s so important to warn everyone in your social circle. Call schools, crèche, work … everyone. Their not knowing about it yet, does not necessarily mean that you are the source. It could be that simply nobody else has detected them yet, or that they were absolute dickheads for not warning anybody.
Alright, so now you have detected the nits and spread the word you have to get rid of them. Head lice treatment is quite easy to find. There are plenty of different ones and all chemists will promise a different one to be the very best and most effective. Just choose whatever, cause lets be real they all smell rank and can’t be trusted a hundred percent. You basically pour poison onto a child’s head (and/or your own) in hopes that it will kill all nits and lice. Nothing that smells pleasant will do the job. There also shouldn’t be any surprises to what it does to your hair. Most of the treatments have to be left in the hair for a certain time and then washed out. And damn it’s hard to get the stuff out of the hair. You’ll find yourself repeating the washing out part over and over again.
Followed by this comes the really hard part: Getting all the nits out of the hair. The instructions on the head lice treatment will usually tell you to comb the nits out. Yeah … as if! If you believe for one second that you can comb nits out you are a fucking idiot. Lice basically glue their eggs to your hair. The nits stick to the hair so well, that they can’t be combed out. You have to pull them out with your fingernails one by one. Sounds like a lot of work? It is! And because you can’t trust the treatments you really have to make sure to get all the nits out. So you’ll find yourself looking at every single hair of the person you are treating. Fun days when you are treating more than just one person.
And if you haven’t got somebody at hand to check your head you’ll spend all day paranoid and itchy, even if you’re all clean. To be fair you’ll spend the next couple of days itchy and paranoid, no matter what.
But I’ll tell you what the fucking most annoying thing about nits is: fucking other people! You can be the most thorough person at finding nits and taking them out, but if there is just one person in your social circle who doesn’t treat them properly they’ll be back. You’ll have to do it all over again. And if the others still aren’t doing their part, again. And again and again.
Getting rid of head lice is really a team work. So once a week take a peek.

Stressed out over being stressed

So I’m late. And even through there’s zero chance of me being pregnant, because I’m single as fuck, this is stressing me out.
Now I know, that this is something that most women will regularly experience. You hate being on your period, but when it’s late you’re freaking out. Unless you were trying for a baby, being late is just not a good thing.
There are quite simple explanations for your period to be late besides being pregnant. And I am aware that you need to have sex to become pregnant. No intercourse, no baby. But still each time a voice in the back of my mind tells me that I might be carrying the next baby Jesus. I know it’s absolutely mad! No need to tell me that. So a much louder voice shouts back “SCIENCE BITCH! DON’T BE FUCKING RIDICULOUS!”.  That kinda helps.
So then my mind turns to the most obvious reason: stress. And instantly I start obsessing over the possibility of being stressed. “Am I stressed? I don’t feel stressed. But maybe I’m just lying to myself to keep going and really I am stressed. But that would be silly. I’m not that good a liar, am I? Or maybe I’ve been stressed for so long that I don’t even recognise it as abnormal anymore. But no … no, I don’t think so. I’m stressing myself more with this than anything else.” So I push the thought away. But sure enough the next time I sit on the toilet and there’s no blood, I start thinking the same thoughts all over again.
The longer this goes on for, the worse it gets and the harder it becomes to push the thought of my period aside. I stress more and more. And I go to sleep determined to get my period the next day. I tell myself that it’s definitely going to happen the next day. That there is nothing wrong with me and I’d just have to wait till the next day. It surely will happen then. As if pure strength of mind and positive thinking could make my body shoot blood out of my vagina.
And my body is like “Nope!” Yeah well, I should’ve known better. That’s just not how it works.
So the next step will be that I reflect the whole past month to see if anything happened that could’ve messed with my cycle. Can I ever figure it out? Haha … you bet I can’t! Everything always seems very normal to me. Which stresses me some more. If only I had an explanation! Or even better: If only I started bleeding already.
I stress and stress. Then I stress myself some more. Next I feel stressed over stressing myself. And then there is no fucking way out. Till the day comes where I’m just like “Fuck this shit! Then I’ll just wait till next month. Who needs blood uncontrollably running out of them anyway?”
And this ladies and gentleman is the day that I’ll finally get my period.

Why were we friends again?

I recently realised that I somehow got sucked into an unhealthy relationship. Obviously, I only had the best intentions. Who actually plans to be in an unhealthy relationship? I am fucked up in my own special way, but that much? No!
So here’s the story. A couple of years ago I met this guy online. We had a very random conversation, but he was nice enough so we talked again some time later. Over a period of time we got to know each other somewhat better. We talked regularly. He told me about his girlfriend, I told him about the guy I was involved with. Blah … blah … blah … same old story. I never thought about him as someone I could have romantic feelings for. I never even met the guy. He was just this person behind the messages, this picture on the screen, the voice on the phone. The way I saw him he would’ve been great to hang out with. Someone to spend a day in the pub with. But it never came to that. Still I wished him well and cared for him. He was a friend to me.
So far so good, but at some point I felt like he wished for me to be more than just a friend. He still had his girlfriend and told me often enough how much he loved her. So I explained the feeling away and didn’t ask him if there was anything to it.
Then out of nowhere he told me what an awful person and friend I was and blocked me. I was crushed and could hardly understand how it came to that. In my eyes I had treated him like most of my other friends. In my brain I evaluated every friendship I ever had. Was I really such a bad friend? Broken friendships popped into my mind. Was I to blame for every friendship that ended badly? Maybe. I couldn’t tell. But then again why had so many of my friends stuck with me for such a long time? Also I realised that I had plenty of friends. I told myself to just let it go. What did it matter what one person had told me? And anyway I couldn’t even reach him to find out why he thought so badly of me. Or could I? Through all his attempts to cut me off, he had left a back door open. I still don’t know whether on purpose or by accident, but he had left me a way to reach him. After some time thinking, I eventually decided to contact him.
I won’t call it a mistake, but in a way our friendship was defined by the conversation we had then. To make it short he accused me of many things that I felt were unjustified, but I apologised anyway. I was determined to show him that I could be a great friend. The best of friends.
Looking back this urge to prove myself as a good friend to a real-life-stranger seems insane. It surely is. But hey that was just the mental state I was in.
So we were back on talking terms again. But this friendship brought me no happiness at all. I had to face accusations over and over again. He regularly put me down. And stupid as I was, I apologised and promised to work hard on being a better friend.
To be fair things did get better. I still got side punches every now and then. He liked to tell me how much his girlfriend didn’t like me and how she mistrusted me and warned him to stay away from me. There is a good chance that she had indeed said these things. I am positive she had sensed that his intentions towards me were more than just friendly. Anyway my suspicions were confirmed by him a while later. I made it very clear that I did not see him the same way and was also positive I wouldn’t do so in future. He stayed with his girlfriend and I thought now that the air was cleared we might have an actual chance of a normal friendship. I thought clearing the air and leaving no hopes for any romance would set the guy free. Yaaaay no more hopes, no more friendzone. But nope! That’s not how the friendzone works. Accordingly any contact between us was awkward.
We made it work anyhow. Why? I can’t fucking tell! I was still trying to prove I was a good person and friend, I guess. There were so many things that I had to ignore in order to keep this friendship going. So many fucking things! He asked for more and more of me. Again and again I was asked to change. To then be told how perfect I was. The fuck I am! All the compliments just made me feel awkward. I wasn’t used to it and out of his mouth it just sounded wrong. I don’t doubt the honesty behind most his compliments. But still it was wrong. I wasn’t the one he was meant to tell these things. These were not compliments between friends. Stupidly enough I ignored them too. I admit that I still can’t tell to which extend I liked to hear these things. I was still talking to him, wasn’t I? Why?
Anyway the day came when he broke up with his girlfriend. I dedicated much time to him. Wasn’t this what friends did? I wanted him to be happy, I understood that he wouldn’t be for some time and that he wanted me to be there for him. I really did my best to be the friend that he needed.
But soon enough he showed me again that his intentions were of a different kind. I repeated what I had told him before, feeling like I was worsening his heartache.
Then shortly after I found out that he had lied to me about a few things. I was super pissed and I confronted him. No traps, no bullshit, I told him about the proof I had for his lies. Instead of him explaining to me why he had done so and solving the issue he turned the whole thing around. Again I was told what a bad friend I was and how he owed me no explanation whatsoever. My confronting him with this only proved how bad a friend I was and all this was none of my business anyway. Yes, somehow he managed to make himself look the victim. Followed by this he blocked me again. This time only for a shorter period. How the fuck we started talking again I can’t explain. But we did.
And I was back in the old circle of regular ups and downs in this relationship. It is crazy how much one can ignore on account of trying to prove a point. There were still moments when I honestly believed in our friendship.
But here we are … once again I was blocked and told I make an awful friend. This time after my inquisition if he felt like he was stuck in the friendzone with me. He did. I felt like I was standing between him and his happiness and told him as much. I suggested that if he needed to distance himself from me and our friendship to become happier he should do as much. I would step back if he needed me to. He told me I was being stupid and followed by this the same old story of me being a bad friend came up again.
When I saw that he had blocked me I felt …. Annoyed! And then I thought “So be it!” I had told him he could opt out of this after all. Sure, this had turned into something else, but the result was the same. I admit that when I suggested to end this friendship, it was not just for his good. A part of me wanted out. This friendship had become more of an obligation. And I could never live up to his idea of a friend. I gave and gave and gave and it was never enough. He had a reason to tell me I was a bad friend. Apparently in his eyes I am. But you know what? That’s ok.
There are so many people that I make a great friend to. There are people that appreciate me for who I am. And it is so fucking easy to be a friend to those people. I am not a bad person, neither is he. I am not a bad friend and neither is he. We just have different ideas of friendship. We shouldn’t change to live up to something that we can never be without being unhappy.
So, you people out there, I’ll leave you with that …

Long time no talk

„Hey everybody, we weren’t talking for a while. Hope you’re all good.” Annie knew that I was good. We had only talked the day before. But I answered her anyway. “Hey, yeah I’m good. How about the rest of you?” There had been an unusual silence between the four of us. I had only talked to Annie and between the lines I could read that she was worried. Worried that I was mad at Haley. That I refused to talk to her. Well I didn’t. But I also didn’t know what to tell her. I had the feeling that she was avoiding me. That could be wrong though.
There was no answer yet. Jen was probably busy. She usually was around this time. And Haley? I couldn’t tell. Maybe my feeling was not that bad after all. But what could I do about it? Say sorry? What for? Being unqualified of giving relationship advices? Well in her eyes …
Annie was for sure waiting for an answer from Haley’s side as well. Hoping that we’d break the silence.
To my surprise Jen answered a few minutes later. “Hey girls! I’m great. What are you up to? And where is Haley?” “I’m just having a break from writing. What about you? And I don’t have a clue. I thought she would be around.” “I just had my last patient. Am on my way home now. I thought the same. Maybe she’s just busy.” Or she was ignoring us. Most likely Jen was thinking so. “Oh you finished early today. That’s great!” “Hm yeah, but there’s work waiting for me at home. Need to go through some patient files. It’s rather annoying work.” “How long will it take you?” “Pretty much all evening and then there will still be work left for tomorrow. I’m always pushing the paperwork aside, till I can no longer ignore it.” “What kind of paperwork is it?” “Transferring my notes into the files and updating them. Totally boring.” I laughed. “That’s what it sounds like.” “So what were you writing on? I bet it’s a lot more interesting than my work?” “Just some article. Not very interesting I’m afraid. But I can send it to you all the same, if you want me to.” “Oh yes please. I enjoy reading your articles no matter what they’re about.” “Even if it was about watching the grass grow?” I asked her. That made her laugh. “I bet it would be a masterpiece.” “I’ll write something about it and you judge.” “Can’t wait for that. Hey where is Annie gone? I mean she started this conversation and now she’s gone.” “I’m not surprised. That’s just her way.” “You’re right I shouldn’t have been surprised either.”
“I’m still around girls! I’m at the airport and I was just checking in. Now I’ve got some free time till the boarding.” said Annie all of a sudden. Always a reply when you think she’s not around. It was as if she was there all the time, but chose her moments of reply by some weird criteria. Whatever her criteria were I hadn’t found out yet. “You’re at the airport? Where are you going?” I asked her. Actually it was no big surprise she was at the airport. She spent more time on planes than she did in her own home. Pilots and stewardesses must be treating her like an old friend. “I’m on my way to Germany.” she answered. “Oh what are you doing there? Are you gonna go and see a match?” Jen asked her. “I hope I’ll find some time for that. But well work is waiting for me. And of course my little Adeline.” “Are you picking her up?” I asked her. “Yes I am. And it’s about time she spent the longest time with David.” “Did David make any problems?” asked Jen. I had asked myself the same question and was already expecting the answer yes. “No for a change he didn’t make any problems. Well so far. We’ll see what happens when I’m there. I just hate the fact that I always have to expect problems with him. As if I wouldn’t have other things to worry about. But well Adeline needs her father in her life and therefor I have to deal with him.”

Hold back the river

George was sad to see her like this. He had never liked to see her cry. It hurt him. She wasn’t sobbing. Silent tears fell from her eyes. Beautiful and sad at the same time. But she had always been beautiful. No matter what. “My beautiful June, please don’t cry.” he thought. But there was nothing he could do. She was crying and it was his fault. He never meant to, but in the end she was crying all the same. When he had first met her he had sworn to himself to never make her cry. But how could he have kept her from crying in the end? He had no control over this. If it was in his hand there would be no need for her to cry. I would change places with her to keep her from her broken heart. But would that change anything at all? They’d still be separated. And his heart was just as broken.
If only he could tell her. She’d feel better. She’d know. And knowing was better than this. “Don’t cry little June. There is no need to.” he thought. “Just remember the good times.”
And good times they’ve had. Days with laughter and happiness. And most of all love. He had never felt as loved as with June. She was a part of him. The most beautiful part of him. Now that he was without her he felt incomplete. George wondered whether she felt the same. If this was the reason she was crying. It must have been.
He could no longer watch her crying. It was too much. It was too hard. He should be comforting her. He should hold her in his arms. But he couldn’t. He tried to picture her smiling. It was hard, but not impossible. Her smile had cheered him all his life. A wonderful smile. So full of life and light. It had been her smile he had first fallen in love with. She had only been nineteen. He had been twenty-one. She had worked in her father’s shop. And after he had first been there he had used every excuse for a visit. She had welcomed him with this beautiful smile every time he entered the shop. But it took him a long time to become brave enough to ask her out. “We would’ve had more time, if I was braver.” George thought sadly. It was ridiculous. He knew that. But more time was more time, no matter how less it seemed compared to the time they’ve had.
June was still crying her silent tears. “I’m here beloved June. I’m with you.” George said aloud. June looked up. Did she hear him? George was surprised. He didn’t think that was possible. How could she hear him? “George?” she asked. “Yes June, it’s me.” he said. He was nearly screaming. He started laughing excitedly. Sunlight fell on June’s face. She closed her eyes. “Now smile, June. Give me your most beautiful smile.” he said. And as she opened her eyes she did as he bid.
He stretched out his hand to reach her. The wind stroked her once auburn hair the way he had used to. “I’m waiting for you my beautiful June. Till then live.” he said.

Paradise

Isabella was laying on her bed. Staring at the ceiling. Motionless. She didn’t feel like getting up. But also not like sleeping. What would the sleep bring her anyway? Actually she didn’t feel like doing anything at all. She should get up and do something. Just anything. But then again no. First of all she didn’t know what to do and second even if she wanted to get up she didn’t feel like she could go anywhere. She thought about raising her arm just to check if she still had control over her body. Nothing happened. Isabella laughed a silent and ironical laughter. “I can’t even control my body. How am I supposed to control my life?” It fitted too well. “But if I only really tried …. I could do it.” That thought made it only worse. She knew that if she only tried she could do anything she wanted. Isabella had always known that. So why didn’t she try? Why did she already fail at the attempt to try? Isabella could simply not understand herself.
She listened to the sounds in the house. So distant and so close at the same time. Life just inches away from her. She heard her mother calling for dinner. But from the sound of it the biggest part of the family was already surrounded. In a moment somebody would come and check on her. Ask her to come for dinner. As always she didn’t feel hungry at all. But she could at least sit at the table with her family. Or not. They would probably just stare at her. Or worse ask her questions. The questions she got no answers for. She would only end up ruining their good moods and making them worry. Right now she was just no good company. She was a burden.
Isabella closed her eyes when she heard steps coming closer. The door opened and she heard her mother whispering her name. She didn’t answer and concentrated on breathing regularly. Her mother touched her at her shoulder and whispered her name again. Then she sighed and left the room. Isabella fought tears. And lost the battle. Again she didn’t know why.
The sounds from the dinner table seemed even farer away than any sound before. There was her world and their world and she was losing contact.
Everything used to be so easy, so clear. She had always known what she wanted. She had always had a plan. But her plan failed her and she got lost in her own world.
How did she go from a little girl, planning to take over the world, to this? How could she go back to her own self? Could she even go back?
And then again did she still want to be that person? Maybe not.
She closed her eyes once more and tried to think of something else. Isabella needed a beautiful thought. A dream she had always dreamed. How wonderful life would be when all her wishes finally came true. No more stormy skies for her. Her personal paradise.

Quote of the day

Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.


Roger Miller

Quote of the day

All things are difficult before they are easy.


Thomas Fuller